Testically speaking….

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Now tonight’s post is a rather unusual one in which I do ponder about one of the most fraught parts of life. Aside, from cleaning the car, deciding what pizza to eat when you have 17,000 varieties to choose from and wondering which hand to use to scratch your sizable arse.

Relationships and why we all lie in them.

Granted that in itself is enough to send people screaming to the hills you see, but the truth is, this time of year, judging by what most people have been saying and doing recently, it appears it’s a tough time for those in love. But why so many at the same time? Is it something to do with the weather? Granted it’s not been brilliant of late but then again this is Britain and therefore this is par the course. We are upset when it’s not raining so hard, you swear Noah’s ark is travelling down the dual carriageway.

I of course could be mistaken, you could be happily moving through life with the man / woman of your dreams and about to do real naughty with them that is illegal in some countries. And there are people out there that are.

But I welcome happy people into this little post simply because at some point, you are going to come to a point where someone gets annoyed about something very small and blame you for it.

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And we’re back…

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Brain: …So that’s what we need to do.
Paul: Are you sure about that, it appears it will take longer than 5 minutes. You know me and attention spans, something that looks like it will be hard work, you know I will just give in at the first sign of trouble.
Brain: Trust me; it’s your way forward.
Paul: Is that like the “trust me” that landed me with 5000 tins of spam, because you were convinced the world was about to end and we needed food?
Brain: Ok, that didn’t work. But this one is good, there is a plan.
Paul: I love it when a plan comes together. Can I get away with not doing any of the work then?
Brain: No, dammit for the last time, you have to actually do something here.

So this was the conversation with my head the weekend about the evil plans that have been drawn and will be enacted out over the next few months. It suffered some setbacks in the creative process but as with all things, it’s a matter of time. And I need lots of practice in all honesty, it’s been a while since my last attempt at this wonderful feat of humanity, and frankly the first plan is to make a note of everything I know and have experienced. And yes, This cryptic message is more devious than a badly planned game of Sudoku.

And so on this day of Tues, we come back to the blog, all refreshed and revitalised, ready to give our all in the cause of truth, justice and the British way of life. Well some of us do anyway.

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I’ll be back…

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Regretfully it has come to the point where I need to take some time away from writing this amazing piece of English literature called Ooh sometimes. I can see beads of sweat dripping down your brows, the worried looks of wonderment as to why I am running away from this digital modern look onto what life brings us these days, albeit in a strange manner.

It appears that every once in a while, a spark of genius catches light and therefore you become compelled to act upon it. And I am sorry to say, yes, a spark of genius has indeed been sparked in the space still left vacant by my departed brain, shortly after it decided it wanted to have a break from me, and we had grown apart. But today I received a phone call. I was flabbergasted to hear who it was.

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The three potatoes

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

I write too much. This much is certain, it appears that according to some people I tend to chat with about how all things are a load of cock, that I have been writing too many words for blog posts these days and therefore maybe I should sprinkle some pictures in to break it all, so when we have the serious bit, there’s a picture of a cuddly dog for everyone to go arrrrrr over.

Well I hate dogs, so here’s the three pototoes:

A grown man owns these. Be afraid.

Bet you wish you had these, don’t you?

We’ve all lost.

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Winning is not enough is the book by Jackie Stewart which documents how he won lots of things. And how he was highly successful at everything from talking about fast things going around like it was all just one big scalextric and then leading a big racing firm to do things which again involved driving around and around again.

And fair play to him. If someone can make a living out of something like that and be successful you cannot begrudge someone who does that. We may sneer and snip at it, but it is a talent never the less. He was in Birmingham today signing his book, I must admit I didn’t stick around for that after the training course I had today, he’s not someone I look up to or am interested in.

Of course one of the best sayings we plucky Brits have come up with in recent years is:

It’s not the winning that’s important. It’s the taking part that counts.

In this day and age where school sports have been reduced to the point where we all are winners despite taking three days to wobble 100 metres, it appears that we are all meant to say well done for practically anything. No-one is better than anyone else and that we are all equal in achievement.

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Always wash your feet becuase they can smell.

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

And so ends the lesson for today.

And on other news, as you may have guessed, today is another Tandoori post where I waffle on for your dining and dancing pleasure. Don’t forget the buffet is now open and Happy Hour is from 8 to 9.

Now of course, Yesterday as I indicated in the last post was a bit of a strange day. Granted it appears every day is a strange day, but this was a different kind of strange-ness if that is a word.

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It’s been rather strange…

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

I will explain all tomorrow as it has been an very very long day today and at 10:48 in the evening with another long day tomorrow, it’s more than likely for the best that I just say, yes good people I will be writing some more excellent material for you to gorge yourselves on like the rabid dogs you are.

OK, granted the quality may vary but I promise you, Monday despite the fact that I have been on Training again in Birmingham after driving part of the night Sunday and yet still awake now after only four hours sleep this morning, it’s been a memorable day indeed. Unless I forget, in which case it hasn’t.

Dan Denton: RIP

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Some very sad news, a member of the band, Crashing Cario who have produced fantastic music, and have featured on my audio rants has died. Here is the post from the band on Myspace:

I am so sorry to announce that our keyboardist/great friend Dan Denton passed away this morning. He is survived by his wife and two children.
Dan exuded all that was great with the Detroit music scene, played countless shows with countless bands, and touched so many hearts with his inspirational musicianship.
More information will come, but if each of you could take a moment and say a prayer for Dan’s family, we would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you all.
~wax (from Crashing Cairo)

I and everyone else here wish the family all the best. It’s a great shame to lose a loved one, as another friend of mine recently did a few weeks ago, but I never wrote about that, becuase it’s a private thing and should be respected if asked to remain so.

Episode 5: Foriegn films, doing naughty and driving at night.

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

The weekend has been a busy time for us all it seems. I for instance demonstrated my prowess for fixing computer things by putting things into slots and hitting it until like HAL, it meets a bitter end. In this case, it was my good friend Dave’s new shiny PC, a powerful beast that puts fear into most games and even goes as far as raping the games’ offspring and ripping off the parents nipples with a pair of bottle openers. Except it didn’t switch on.

So enter the Lord of Leisure with his powers of laziness coupled with layers of foresight and well, after testing with various parts to see when it went wrong, it turns out it was a faulty memory module. I have never seen a machine not power up without at least giving off some beeps from the little speaker that dwells within, but hey ho, life always shows that you learn something new every day.

And now Dave is forced to admit I am the greatest who ever lived, and even stand things when I fart heavily due to an overdose of the musical fruit. But trying his machine at Bioshock, even with just 1 gig of RAM and Windows Vista installed, it played with not one issue. Smooth as silk, my word these Intel core jobs and Geforce 8800 cards are the dogs private parts.

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Episode 4: A New Post

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Well campers, it appears we have had yet another weekend filled with exciting things all to fill our boots with joy juice. And the postmen are no longer going to be on strike!!! Well done for settling it despite the fact that the high court said you couldn’t strike next week anyway and your time for making a deal was over….. that almost sounds cynical, doesn’t it?

But never the less, it is good that the whole mess was sorted out, which can only benefit us all, as I await very important mail vital to the continued success of this entire operation…. a Mr. Potato Head and a copy of Airplane which was obtained very cheaply.

Without these items, ooh sometimes would have disintegrated into dust, the people who depend upon it for a brief pause in the hardships of modern life in tatters. The Middle east peace process would have been torn down, opening the floodgates on all out war.

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