The owner’s going to be pissed when he finds out a fat man nicked his motor;
Only thing is I’d end up only going back to the time I was able to have naughty with ladies, bugger anything else, hang on, that’s the idea of this…..and then maybe stop at one point in history to slap someone and say no, and then disappear…..oh the possibilities….
And now for the first time since October 2009, we now come back to the warm comforting embrace that is an leisurely film review. It has been many many months since last we destroyed the pompous, battled against incorrigible acting and wonder how much can a hollywood film really cost given you can get a green screen starters kit from Argos for £69.99.
And yet I feel compelled to begin our trip down the silver screen’s river of sludge with a troubling statement. There comes a point in everyone’s life where we’re going to feel a lot older, more useless, unable to understand where it’s gone wrong with the world, why so much has changed and so much remains the same, yet we’re not quite ready for the scrapheap.
This is the point of a mid-life crisis one might say, where we’re sort of in-between the years of youth, and the steady destruction of our minds and bodies all becomes too clear, where we then strive for a few last times to relive past glory, get that Harley Davidson scooter, score with hot 20-something girls (or have fun with “Parm-erla” and her five sisters when that fails), and we sing along to dreary music by Radiohead.
Maybe that’s the reason the Expensables, sorry Expendables exist. Allow me to explain….
Yes, the action man band got together finally after 70,000 years of waiting for Sly Stallone to pick up the phone to say something no one understands to create the ultimate action movie, damn, I feel more of a man just thinking about all those hard bastards blowing everything up, firing every gun known to exist, and saving so many bloody sexy women, they should just float along on a river of blood and tits.
Plot? You want a Plot? Nah, this is all about shooting crap and saving the day! Oh alright if you want to know this is the jist of the story which of course was written down on the back of a well hard beer mat;
Yes it’s that time again, including a slightly new version of the test card, where I pick up my funky keyboard with the dodgy A and S keys, and decide on the best way to describe my lack of updating of this, my supposed tomb of knowledge where I ponder upon life, occasionally moan, do some reviews of games and movies due to not knowing what else to actually fill up the blog with and therefore the best it always comes to at the end of it all is; Oh I’ve been busy, look see I’ve only typed some crap on Twitter for everyone to see.
But the tragic truth is, there has been plenty going on and a sheer lack of apathy as usual seeped in.
You see, this blog had only a few views every so often at the height when I was actually busy burrowing into people’s minds and showing them the horrors of the world, so as time went on, I came down south and I withdrew from the online world, obviously there was far less to put on, and in turn, when it came to coming up with something poignant to write, that would inspire people into national outrage and burning cars in the streets, it just came back down to the simple fact; I’m boring.
I actually don’t care if you are, because I’m a smug b*****d not bothered with the thrilling adventure that is car ownership in London. Instead I’d like to draw attention to a site that all us fellow obese (sorry, we’re just meant to use either the words “fat” or “tubby”, political correctness gone mad I say.) people of the world, I say of the world, as we all look like we’ve eaten one.
http://thejerkyjunkie.tumblr.com/ is a new blog. Another blog clogging up the internet, like all the lard is clogging up our failing digestive systems, you say? Well actually I have no idea what you’ve just said, so I’ll carry on by stating that it’s a new blog, talking about that most coverted of American meaty products; Beef Jerky.
Tis being written by a lady I met once in London, who has seen fit (ha, a pun there if ever I read one) to call herself the “The Jerky Junkie”, whose soul purpose is to review the different products out there on the market and remark on jerky topics of the day, such as consistency of Jerky meat, speak out on the Jerky industry, and jerking o….err…..probably not the last one.
Either way, I do suggest you pay some attention to this one as let’s be fair, given that television, that wonderful medium crushing our intelligence one day at a time, gives us nothing but over the top food programmes, telling us that if we don’t take the time to create a duck dinner you could live in, that can be also nailed to a garden shed and burned to perfection, we’re scum.
It will be blogs like this, that could save us, which is ironic given that all this dirty meat would probably kill us instead.
While it may not be a post containing such wonders as discussion on how to annoy a lady of the evening by refusing her advances, or those pictures used for blackmailing your boss, it does none the less bring up something which doesn’t actually get old for some reason, and yes I’m afraid it’s game related.
GTA 4 came out some time ago, much the amazement and torment of people across the globe, and with it came all sorts of bizzare and downright funny goodies, such as this fine piece of TV making, which more often than not gets missed inbetween all the car driving, shooting, swearing and other safe for kids entertainment we’ve all come to expect and love.
I present to you for your consideration; something from Rockstar which should somehow get a stint on real TV….
Considering what’s on TV these days, I’m amazed there was never a series…..
Given the fact that I’ve been missing, presumed dead after all this time, with only choice nuggets of news here and there, it seems rather appropriate that the next post I actually do write, contains scenes of horror, woe and tips on how not to get your brains eaten. No, it doesn’t involve doing your taxes.
“Paul, you magnificent bas****d!” I hear you cry, “how can I get through life without worrying about writing “Oh boy, was I suckered?” with my intestines while some cheery fellow munches away on that brain I was saving for a rainy day, what we can do about it?” Well my friends, I’m proud to be informing you of a way to find out.
Now, I first learned of this bunch of vagabonds from a copy of SFX in the UK, and because it sounded so bizarre, twisted, and yet still better than the Best Of Chris Moyles on Radio 1 podcast, I started to download them and listen.
And by jove I’m glad I did. I even remarked on the thing on the twitter feed, and you all know how lazy I am to do that sort of thing these days….
What makes it worse or better, is that the whole thing also spawned a tie-in book that is being launched nationally by Allison & Busby on 1st August this year: Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary : The A-Z Guide to Staying Alive. Better than getting another bloody book on how to cook food from Asda in overly-difficult and possibly life-threatening ways by the Smith of Delia….
Suffice it to say I’ve been a busy little bee recently and therefore this poor old portal has again felt like an ugly woman’s naughty area; it never gets a look in. But after Monday, this song certainly will apply.
More is certainly going come…..
It appears the election has stirred something within myself as tonight has been the most tweets as it were for anything. It’s almost as if I’m working, reporting on the “Jolly Election” as old David Dimbleby, the lord of Britain just put it.
Tomorrow, let’s see if we get what we need, not what we think will work as that hasn’t worked before.
Or am I just dreaming again and in reality, nothing will ever change in the wonderful bubble of the political world?
And now, an update from the end of June 2010: Perhaps now some time has passed, it’s best to comment on what had occurred that fateful night as far as the television went.
The BBC decided to stage the election in it’s “election studio”, something which was mentioned about once every 3 seconds, and was a cross between “Mission Control” and one of those evil lairs where the new Bond villain might be hiding in. All the usual suspects were on board to talk pointlessly to people for the first few hours about what might happen etc, then they just sit back and relax as people count all the pretty pieces of paper.
Oh and we had to have the celebrity knees-up every few minutes to see what people off the telly thought. Well certainly the impression I got was; cheers for the beers Mr. BBC!
After getting up on this fine Saturday morning, had some breakfast and a poo (not at the same time), watching a bit of the news, you know how dull people’s lives really are for the most part, I sat down to play some games (yes, instead of going outside into the city streets, with every increasing numbers of ladies wearing less now that the summer is coming). Steam, Valve software’s all singing all dancing money making distribution machine decided I needed to know about this;
Can you feel the dried up old boob that is now the Call of Duty franchise being milked again? 5 maps, three new for 12 quid after the “speical” pre-order price comes to an end. The mind, as they say, is blown.
This is not the first example of people getting overcharged for over hyped rubbish of course, look at the Apple maxipad, where thousands of fan-boys (and ladies in need to keep their underpants clean) went mad for it, only to discover slight problems with it days later with the wireless connection. The world is coming up with more and more pointless ways you can waste your cash.
The sad thing is people will buy it anyway….Come on! What happened to us men, spending our ill-gotten gains after pressing buttons in an office, on prostitutes, yogurt and other naughty items? That reminds me….must dash.
A couple of weeks ago when I was back home with the folks, sipping on the finest beer known to us from the fridge, a lovely gem of live television when watching Sky Sports News, to explain I’m not one for watching it that often.
After all, watching people do lots of exercise just reminds me how long I have before a massive cardiac arrest kicks in.
But as I was home with the folks, the afternoon was being spent watching Gillette Soccer Saturday, where lots of men watch football on their own TVs and then tell us all about it, far more gripping on occasion than it actually sounds.
Now most of the time, they are crossing from one person to another, telling you all about all the highs and lows of 22 overpaid toss-rags running round after a bloody ball, but every so often, something wonderful happens;
I thought I’d never see it again, but after seeing a recent episode of “You’ve been Watching” by Charlie “oh dear, he starting to adopt my take on personal grooming” Brooker, where it was once again mentioned, I had to see if it was kept alive on YouTube, and sure enough, it was.
Chris Karama, I salute you!