Dead Space and the Art of Sh*tting Yourself

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Horror. The very nature of the genre, designed to bring out our worst fears, phobias and high school ladies running round in just their underpants if Scream and I know what you did last Wednesday or whatever it was is to be believed. It brings to life that which is unholy and should be dead, like Robin Williams if he tries to do another sh*tty film again, with the most fearful thing being that which used to be human but then is perverted to the point of tears.

Survival horror is even worse when you are constantly scared, trying to survive with few resources and pretty much the odds are pretty much the same as the US being found guilty of a war-crime in using Barney the Dinosaur as torture; slim at best. Examples in the movie world are The Hills Have Eyes, 28 Days Later, Insert-whatever of the Dead, and as it’s sick, twisted and amazing that the audience themselves survive to the end of this horrible affair; The Devil Wears Prada.

But when it came to the world of Video Games, you had few real recent attempts which the whole survival horror deal and succeed, like Alone in The Dark and Silent Hill, though the Resident Evil games mainly scared due to the very bad acting but that’s another story. (I’m sure people will argue about that whole paragraph stating other examples but just search the internet for that sort of thing if you really must) So let us enter the world of Dead Space. Continue reading →

3DSCO, singing 3DSCO….

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

For once, let us return to the loving embrace of video gaming, free from Fox News running “Muslims raped your dead mother, let’s send in the troops” stories, the economy being in the toilet, everyone lying about everything and basically the world being a jolly rotten place. After all, there’s only so many remarks you can make about how bad everything is before people start thinking you’re a bit down and need cheering up, which normally involves talking, hugging and other evil things. Yuck.

A little while ago, due to the fact that I wandered round the Eurogamer Expo last year in a suit, at which people thought I was working at the Earl’s Court center as security guard / concierge to get theatre tickets for them, a mail popped through the wonderful spam-gatherer stating that Nintendo, one of the world’s best known video game, chemical warfare and taxi cab production companies, (NOTE: that was a joke about the taxi cabs…err…) was jolly happy to allow a chosen few to go and have a play of their new toy before most people were allowed to get their hands on it.

Where the action and people moving around like drunks happened...

The new toy in question, is called the Nintendo 3DS and basically it was touted as the world’s first 3D hand-held console which didn’t require you to wear glasses that mad you look like a rapist from the 1970s like most things these days, like most wonderful films at the cinema, or some overpaid tw*ts running around a football pitch on Sky Sports HD 3D RD VD Extra Ultra 7. Continue reading →

Pirates of the Coalition: The Curse of the Big Society

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

The new government spokesman for plundering. ARRRRRRR! A pirate’s life for me yo ho! That’s the sound to be heard, should you wander past Westminster right now as the Pirates of the Coalition set sail on the seas to plunder us folk of our hard earned cash, rape our wenches / actual girlfriends and then off back to their fort to drink merrily and tell each other of their wonderful adventures. Well, I say tell each other, they are in fact just doing it openly on the news for all to see.

This week, Dave Cameron’s mission, the Big Society in which the idea behind it is that we the people take over from the Government from the local running of various things like swimming baths, libraries and ice cream vans, show them how it’s done and make Britain the besty, bester than you, bestival best ever place in the world ever by bringing us all together in harmony and where we give our help to make it better for all. At least, that’s what I think he meant.
Continue reading →

La thingy: Opera part deux

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Yes, I can take care of your small children without drowning them in custard.Not too long ago, there was another opportunity to watch the art form which is about as popular these days as bending over and coughing for polite airport staff who detected something vibrating in your baggage – Opera.

Now of course, the last (and first) time I had ventured out on a grey dark evening in London town to the location where various people would be on stage, it was to watch the soul selling wonder that is Faust. It was something which did do wonders to change your mind about the whole thing, though perhaps not enough to be performing it in the street for pennies. I think even the Big Issue sellers at that point would think I’ve lost it.

It’s still not everyone’s cup of tea, after having no idea what was going on half the time is annoying if life, let alone in a production you’re seeing, getting whiplash from the rapid arching up and down at the people on stage and the subtitles to hear what they are saying all the while wondering whether or not people had attention deficit disorder given that they repeated most of their lines twice, it was understandable why it doesn’t have mainstream appeal.

But given the fact that Faust actually surprised in terms of how well it was put together, the story and the nice fact for us simpletons that it was all in English, why not venture again to see if there is some consistency to it all?
Continue reading →

Death of the Cash Cow

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Having earned a chance at freedom, the Egyptians expressed outrage at the death of Guitar Hero.Well it’s been a whirlwind of events over the past few days, with only 3 days after the FREEDOM post where everyone in the Middle East seem to basically have enough of their sh*tty existence and proceeded to get angry about it all, it looked like Mubarak was going to stay after one of the best long-winded speeches ever of simply saying “F**k you” to the idea of steeping down.

Then having finally looked out the window and seeing the scale of the discord against him, he ended up giving up and flew off back to Tracy Island. The crowd went wild of course.

But oh no, it appears that wasn’t enough too as they then continued to remain entrenched in Tahrir Square today and at first it appeared that they were staying simply to ensure that what was promised to them by the Military, was going to be delivered.

Turns out after digging deeper that ensuring that people followed through with their promises was only part of the whole story. It seems they were also remaining out to express their dismay at the ending of one of the biggest cash-cows in history that started an entire genre.
Continue reading →

Literal Music Video

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

I suppose our free time in these hard times are to blame for the fact that people will be more than happy to spend hours trawling through YouTube videos in order to kill time and brain cells before our lives expire. Who honestly can go out 24 hours a day, rock-climbing, skiing with a hunky instructor before rogering them behind the lodge, and making airplanes from nipples without a care in the world?

Of course not, you’re working all the hours just to ensure your cardboard box of a room doesn’t get taken away from you by the only 9 people in Britain with money left.

So to take us away from all that, here is another YouTube treat after the break; Continue reading →

FREEDOM!

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

I feel jolly upset about the lack of milk at tesco's, no wait this is about something else.Recent times have been fraught with lies, treachery and deceit of the highest order, and for once I’m not referring to Natsha from Babestation not doing as I commanded for £10 a text.

It seems the whole world is starting to have enough and instead of just staying in their homes, quietly rocking back and forth in the fetal positions, resigned to the fact that they can’t do anything and are doomed, have instead decided enough was enough and been taking to the streets to vent their anger and actually affect political change.

Who knew that when the students of Britain took to the streets in December 2010, annoyed that the supposed good times of paying £3000 in tuition fees and building up huge debts was coming to an end and therefore decieded to take their anger out on windows and a van, would have knock-on effects elsewhere?

For starters, this year we’ve already seen the power of the people in Tunisia, which aside from being a f**king boring place to go to unless you actively enjoy staying in a compound hotel drinking various bottles of liquid s**t to pass the time, it seems that people there finally got annoyed about the silly lack of this thing called freedom which apparently tourists told them all about while gagging on kiddy booze and chasing after camels.
Continue reading →

The King’s Speech. Or German: Der Kingon’s Speechenpoopen

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Somehow it goes without saying what The King’s Speech is. As a film, it has been praised beyond all measure, possibly to the point of creating world peace and allowing all people to unscrew pickle jar lids without asking someone else. It’s received countless nominations, including today, 12 oscar nominations. Oscar thought it was good too.

The issue I often have with such wide-ranging praise is that expectations are often raised to the point of people vomiting with joy and therefore it can never be as good as what people make it out to be. It’s almost as if there is an air of suspicion which hangs around like a bad smell.

I wanted to announce the bar is open

The film opens on Prince Albert, played by that bloke who everyone likes from Bridget Jones’s Diary, the grand old Duke of York, son of King George V, brother to someone else, opener of jam jars etc etc… prepares to speak at the closing of the 1925 Empire Exhibition at Wembley Stadium, with his wife Elizabeth (or the Queen Mum if we’re going to keep to explaining historical characters in detail, oh and she is played by an actress who once uttered in Fight Club “I’ve not been f**ked like that since grade school!” I’m not saying that is a bad thing.) by his side.

His stammering speech visibly unsettles the thousands of listeners in the audience, almost as if he was raping a cat right in front of a child, and a scene setting opener if you ever wanted one.

We then cut to some speech therapy in progress, in which after failing to do an impression of Marlon Brando from the Godfather by stuffing balls into his mouth and smoking, Albert says bugger it all and vows to do nothing further to sort out his problems.
Continue reading →

Being Caught: The Art of Media

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Forget the fact that following the horrific event at one of Moscow’s Airports where someone thought it would be jolly nice to explode, given that there was nothing good on TV, and he also needed to cancel the milk.

It seems that the news for tonight at least has been more concerned by the sacking of Andy Grey, following both his and Richard Keys, or Chewbacca’s hairy sister’s off air comments about women in football. (Ok, before you fall asleep due to it being about football, please hold, there is a point)

Or so you would think they were off-air. In fact, here’s Sky News’s compilation of the offences in question;

Continue reading →

The 10 O’Clock F**k-Up Explained

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Well now you know what we're on about. Duh.Recently Channel 4 began it’s new series, the 10 O’Clock Show, now running for a few weeks on a Thursday night, in which we meet our rag-tag fighting farting force from the Alternative Election Special which aired last year and promised to be an excellent mix of news and laughter, but alas, what we ended up with something that was borderline a war crime.

One of the main reasons to watch was good old Charlie Brooker, a man who in the past has looked at countless hours of television news and mocked it beyond compare. It appeared that he was sentenced to the naughty step most of the time, perhaps for drawing a penis on his exercise book, while Jimmy Carr labored through jokes so badly written, he’d been better off dangling his keys instead to get a better response.

Lauren Laverne was the lady of the 4, who you may remember from something off the radio, I think, and the bloke off Peep Show and that, wore a suit and thus completed the ensemble.

Despite the amount of crap on that special and of course after being cleared at the Hague, the powers that be or Zeppotron, took it upon themselves to repeat that formula this year, and so with a mixture of news, comments, pre-recorded material and debates with the occasional f**k thrown in, we go on our epic journey into live TV.

Scooby and the gang

But since it’s broadcast last night, it has received mixed reactions that are extreme one way or the other, that you’d be forgiven for thinking that Channel 4 had either given the public a fresh point of view on the news, or just done a sh*t in your mouth. Continue reading →