Twitter and how little people pay attention

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

The world of social networking is pretty much like experimental pile surgery; it’s painful, doesn’t always work and you end up crying afterwards. But more and more we have become addicted to it and perhaps for all the wrong reasons. Facebook is now one of the most evil ways to murder your brain.

It’s incredibly easy to forget about keeping up relationships and then as long as you send people you used to know occasional videos from Youtube with a cat that yawns while making pottery, then you were cool and then you went to play Farmville for 72 hours, realising you forgot to feed the family for the third day in a row and they lie dead at the kitchen table. I know, it’s happened to all of us, easy mistake to make.

People now have thousands of friends as a result, mainly just to writing the most dull of status updates like “Woke up and my kidneys are missing, lol!”, “I think that show was good/bad depending on popular opinion” and “OMG, I’m/He’s/The Dog’s/My left foot’s pregnant”. It’s a shame, given the ways social networking has to ensure that your HR department calls you in when one status update goes too far.

The holy text.

As you may or may not be aware, recently my news sense was sent tingling into overdrive, with a number of examples where the silly mundane little posts containing swear words and crude jokes without context was dropped in favour of informing you good people as to what is going on in the world and providing an opinion based on very little knowledge like all news outlets, but maintaining the fine tradition of Ooh Sometimes by swearing and making crude jokes without context. Continue reading →

Lonely Lord: New York: Part 2

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It’s rather strange to remark on the TV in a country you’re visiting as to be perfectly frank, you often prefer to read about the wonderful buildings, the food or the amount of sh*t being peddled to you as souvenirs. Let’s not even forget the countless opportunities for photos so grating, they cause your gums to bleed.

But given that America exports so much television round the world, much of it very well admired for having better budgets, staff, stars….basically doing things that the BBC can only dream of. OK, America’s got Talent, we don’t want any more off for the love of various gods and you can keep Piers Morgan. Seriously, no backsies. It pays to take a look at it to see what the public in the US are subjected to on a daily basis.

And it does make for some disturbing viewing.

Winning? Really?

When waking up to the morning television, you have a choice it seems between NBC’s the Today Show and ABC’s Good Morning America, in which both shows go out of there way to cover stories of the most inane manner, designed to make your brain melt. Enter Charlie Sheen.

Yes, it was going to happen at some point that we remark further on this broken human being. We can’t even take him back for a refund, he’s beyond the coverage of the warranty. The phrase “Winning, Duh” became a catchphrase overnight, to the point that the next person to say it as a joke, would be strangled with tin foil. It was an obsession, as every network all bent over backwards to say they had the exclusive interview with the actor who basically p*ssed on his doorstep and then went on a bender the likes of which we’ve not seen since 10 minutes ago. Continue reading →

Are you suffering from shy-cock?

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The wonderful thing about the Metro paper, aside from being useful as toilet paper or indeed a handy blanket for those who find themselves “residentially-challenged”, is that occasionally you get to bear witness to some of the more absurd adverts that seem to be cropping up in this wonderful day and age of ours.

Let’s be fair, when you see adverts for erectile dis-function, aside from laughing a lot and coming up with wonderful witlessness involving “failing to rise to the occasion” and other such obvious jokes, you’re not going to pay too much attention and carry on with your hatred of that gimp playing Angry Birds on their shiny toy sitting next to you, but this advert, was a stroke of both genius and the bizzare which, as such, could not be ignored.

Enter a company called ShytoBuy which opens up with this gambit;

what the what?

Yep, with a picture of a man being tender and affectionate with a sexy lady, they have the tagline: “Your online store for embarrassing conditions”, oh yes, I’m sure we can all see that these two virile looking people would have issue with the art of the beast with two backs. Or perhaps we are missing something here? After all, we’re not entirely sure what the manly man with the embarrassing problem is saying here. Continue reading →

Lonely Lord: New York: Part 1

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To continue the change in writing material from the plight of the downtrodden, the fights for justice and the fact that those bastards at Waitrose are overcharging for washing powder, we present the first part of today’s Lonely Lord travel guides, designed to entertain and ill-inform only in the way Michael Palin can only hope to achieve:

New York, New York.

Oooh pretty.

It was named twice, not because of the song, but just because people didn’t pay attention. In my mind New York had been something to aspire to see, due to the massive coverage it has received throughout History. Various things we see today all stem from New York, from showing people kicking ass in 234,567 different cop shows to the heart attack inducing pizza/cheesecake combinations.

It is home to the New York Yankees which apparently are universally hated judging from people I spoke to but whom do produce nice caps to wear, various buildings of different heights at which you will break your neck trying to look up at them all the time, Various bankers who can buy people to be killed for sport on a moment’s notice and finally Sex and the Cityesque women who want to talk about buying crap then proceeding to f**k Mr. Big men while worrying about how much soya they have in their lattes. Continue reading →

Lonely Lord: Paris

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We were striking too, from the pub. Good turnout there.In a welcome break from the news gathering/mocking/crying that seems to have overtaken Ooh Sometimes recently, after all there is only so much you can write about Libya, Pirates of the Coalition cutting everything this weekend only, act now for a free pen and a natural disaster colourfully described with culturally insensitive jokes so bad, Mr Takazuki of the Evil Takazuki Corp has ordered my death, we present to you now the Lonely Lord’s guide to Paris, complete with pictures!

Instead of taking its cue from various travel guides researched by various professionals all well versed with finding the very best places have to offer such as Lonely Planet, Time Out and Zoo Keeper Monthly, prepare to be amazed by the sheer lack of understanding and indeed caring that the next couple of posts will bring.

You see, most people’s experiences of places are different, they travel because they like to get away from it all, from work, from bills, from the police for reasons I can’t go into right now…and therefore when it comes up in conversation, travelling becomes a dick waving competition about what places are like, what you and at least one crappy story about how someone fell over and how you laughed and laughed, before the other people in the conversation stick cocktail sticks into your eyes.

So consider this, the written version of the above, but there’s no chance of sticking anything in me to make me stop. And yes, I realise how that sentence sounds. Writing without sounding dirty is hard. Continue reading →

Yarr, Osborne’s on the starboard bow!

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Remember the good old days?For anyone in the world right now, you would easily be forgiven in thinking that the reporters and producers at the 24 hour news channels must be masturbating themselves silly over the events of recent times.

Come on, they’re having a whale of a time!

Uprisings in the Middle east, with now an all star cast of US, UK and French war machines up in the air over Libya, a few earthquakes here and there, and now the ruling party in north Sudan warns that its cyber jihadists will crush internet dissent by throwing Angry Birds at various servers. There’s surely nothing that can top this?!?!?!^&*$£”% and other characters.

Oh my poor fools, lest we forget.

We’re in this together as George Osborn, First Mate of the Exchequer tells us and we cannot forget our fiscal responsibilities, as you clearly know, each cruise missile we’re firing in Libya at the moment (you know, while pretending to care about people dying, while Col. Gaddafi makes fart noises with his armpits) is also costing about £300,000 each. Continue reading →

Where’s Superman when you need him?

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This week, in-between the fun and frolics to be had by Charlie Sheen’s lawsuit against Warner Brothers for loosing his job by being a complete gimp, and of course David Cameron’s attempts to show us all on various TV shows that he is a nice bloke after all and not the pirate captain of the good ship “Doomed”, it’s been just a bad week for the Liberians and the Japanese.

The news from Japan seems to be changing so much, that even David Bowie’s Ch-ch-changes song couldn’t keep up, and has meant that all the jokes about Japan stored up to be wheeled out when required, seem inappropriate to use.

Since Friday which brought about an earthquake, which at first, we would have assumed Godzilla was coming to destroy Tokyo again, instead turned out to be the worst earthquake in the country’s recorded history, with hundreds of aftershocks have continued to batter the coast of Japan offering no respite for survivors.

A fire in all that water; Nature's just taking the p*ss now....

The human cost is feared to be in the thousands with many feared dead in the “Mr. Miyagi” prefecture and 190 people exposed to radiation from one of the many settings for the new series of the Incredible Hulk to begin; the Nuclear plants badly damaged in the aftermath, where cooling failures have meant that in order to ensure that further damage and explosions are limited, either Titan or the Japanese are now pumping sea water into the tanks into the chambers to cool down the “David Banner mad, Hulk smash” fuel rods. Continue reading →

10’O Clock Live: Revisited (because there was nothing else on)

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Oh, who wants to hear about the Oscars, or the funny sh*t that Gaddafi’s been saying now? Yeah, well get with the now, it’s all Charlie Sheen we want now! (Seriously why? But that’s for another time)

At the beginning of the year, Channel 4 embarked on a new adventure into the world of topical comedy affairs with various people on the 10 O’Clock show, with which they would battle against the goblins of the news world to burn the one true ring in the lava pool of lies. While telling jokes probably.

The thing was, the programme didn’t get off to a flying start with various comments made by those with various devices attached to the interweb, mainly about how bad it was with the over the top audience, bad set comic set pieces, and not living up to the standards set by the American Import, the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Jon must have called the controller of Channel 4 a rude name as he have been removed from More 4’s schedules (Oh yes, real prime time TV scheduling here) and then put back it seems, which unless you had watched it on a late night after having your arse waxed for a bet while drunk, lived in America long enough in order to have heard of it or googled it as what I had to do the first time it was mentioned, would you even care?

Brooker kicking off for the home team, it's a strong start...

Given that the 10 O’Clock Show has been fighting on, weighing 700 stone and wheezing while smoking 12 cigarettes at once given the lashing it had from the first week, the production team will have had chance to iron out some of the “niggles” as it were, instead of doing something more interesting like seeing what objects we can hold in our folds of fat on our bodies, let’s see what’s changed between then and now.

Continue reading →

Whose Libya is it anyway?

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Remember the good old days?Ah the good old days, when nothing other than Isreal (is it real, you have to ask) and the planetariums were fighting over a big pile of mud and concrete walls dominated the news when it came to the Middle East, aside from that other “stuff” in Afghanistan and Iraq, but that’s yesterday’s news granddad.

Now we’re looking at the third of many countries all carrying on what started in Tunisia and Egypt, albeit now with ever increasing human cost.

Half-melted wicked witch Colonel Sanders, sorry Gaddafi was seen this week on the news, while dressed like a Jamaican woman about to cook some gumbo in a 1980’s TV advert, basically blaming everything he could think as to why these silly people were rebelling against his wonderful regime of killing anyone who says “Hang on a moment, are you doing the right thing here chief?” and committing terrorism acts long before we had heard of Osama Bin Lid.

On the list of reasons why it had all gone to pot, he came up with;

  • al-Qa’ida
  • Drugs
  • World leaders
  • the news
  • teddy bears
  • the parents
  • women’s periods
  • and probably everything else as let’s be fair who actually had the stamina to watch the entire thing?

    • Continue reading →