Welcome to the IKEA Family

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

It’s so easy to watch in awe at the recent news while ignoring everything else that we, the mere working mortals of this world actually have the ability to do anything about. Not writing to your elected official about the lack of foxes stealing little children from the park or those damned kids throwing rocks through shop windows to steal the latest 42in flat screen. Just silly things that you’re obliged to have an encounter with at one stage or another in your life, that you never consider until the moment arrives. This is one of those moments.

It’s been some time since I spent a wind-swept Sunday with a happy go lucky chum (who we can only suspect was bored to do anything else) moving home from a one room cardboard box which was called by some “the country club” into a one bedroom deluxe hive of scum and villainy (some of the residents are in fact from the cantina scene in Star Wars), and soon afterwards there was one thing that was noticeable that anything else and it’s actually a very very scary thing.

There was more room. Consider this for a moment. More room.

From the vomit on the keyboard in front of you, I can tell that you were sick at the sheer horror at such an idea, considering that in London a mere £6000 a second will get you an empty crisp packet with outside toilet aka the street. What are you meant to do with more than one metre of room in a place that is entirely your own until the landlord throws you out?

The furniture whore houses for the middle class.

The furniture whore houses for the middle class.

Well, that’s the scary thing you see. Not only does it tell you that you didn’t have that much to begin with, which in itself makes you think that you aren’t actually doing as well as you might think even though that has no bearing on anything at all. When you have indeed take a good hard look at the additional room, the natural instinct that we urban dudes with our floor length mink coats and cheeseburgers leap upon is what crap to buy to fill it up with. Continue reading →

Who isn’t hacked off right now?

Lord of Leisure Posted on by
Someone's not having the time of their lives...

Someone’s not having the time of their lives…

When it rains, it pours, and right now someone at News International better have a bucket handy to bail out the ever rising tide of brown stuff pouring on them from new heights not seen for generations, and god only knows what the state of the media in the UK will be after all the dust has long settled.

This ever evolving story of lies, treachery and deceit can only be described as the stuff of nightmares to people up and down the country, and still there is ever more that will come out in the days ahead. So given that events have moved apace since last time, and the news only had an earthquake to cover today, let’s recap on what’s been going on, in what some might say is rather boring commentary, and there’s not even much swearing either…

The number of people involved in this whole mess has risen to such a height, that the BBC has dedicated an entire page on their website with a list of people so long, that frankly it’s beginning to make ladies weak at the knees and for men to feel, inadequate.

Even more so, the supposition I made that BSkyB was still going to be bought, just not now right now due to people being slightly upset about their dead loved ones’ phones getting buggered with, took a left turn as News Corp dropped the bid to take complete control of the overpriced then under-priced in terms of shares (well, the crap TV remains overpriced) satellite broadcaster. Well given that there was a House of Commons motion tabled to discuss the whole thing due in a few hours from when the BSkyB withdrawal announcement was made, what else could they do?

But again, the language of the announcement was chosen very carefully, to not exclude them going after it in the future.

Remember that for the majority of all this, you could only feel cynicism with most of the characters invloved?

Well, the bandwagon remains in full swing for now, in addition to the actions being taken in this country, it seems that the FBI, apparently not having much to do these since Jack Bauer retired from blowing crap up to annoy them and Mulder went off to shag women in LA instead of looking over the X-Files, is investigating alleged hacking of the phones of 9/11 victims by the News of the World.
Continue reading →

News of the underworld

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

If there was any time to come back to writing about the comings and goings of Britain, it would be now. As for as for bloggers who write about the world and the filth within it, it’s Mardi Gras, we’re all dressed up in our Sunday best, snogging anyone who passes by and partying right into the night like we had lives outside of sitting at home crying that no-one loves us, because as most of you know, pretty much as the week has rolled on, there has been just one story that everyone in the UK has been talking about the most and it’s not going to take a genius to work out what that was.

Yes, Dallas is coming back to our screens after JR, wanting a lie-in for a change, dreamt of pie and then woke in the year 2525, where he and Buck Rogers will save the Galaxy from overpriced toilet paper…no wait sorry….it was something else.

And now the end is near...

And now the end is near…

The News of the World newspaper came to an end this week in the UK with an almighty crash after it was discovered that people associated with the publication that love to shove tits, tat and terrorism in our weary eyes in recent years, was also “hacking” various phones belonging to well pretty much anyone who is alive or dead.

Even John Paul II stood up from his “nap” and said the paper hacked his holy phone to God, and deleted the voicemail where God asked him to get some milk while he was out in Tesco’s. God was most displeased there was no milk for his Rice Krispies that day. Continue reading →

Legendhoff

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

When everything in the world is fully depressing you, it’s easy to forget that there are people out, creating such fine mystical works for us to absorb, and find hope in a tiny corner of the room. These people in time, become heroes, with tales passed down from generation to generation, so that others will know of the joyous message that these artists spread.

This is one of those tales to be passed on for all time.

Greater than Lord of the Rings, more epic than Lawrence of Arabia, slightly less dressy than Lady Gaga, there was a man, with whom no depth was too low to sink to, where no-one was safe from references to Knight Rider.

Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. David Hasslehoff. with something that frankly can only be described as the freakiest and funniest video known to exist since Osama was caught on camera watching the Big Bang Theory. The song itself is I’ve got a feeling, although you have suspicions the full title should have been “I’ve got a feeling that someone’s going to take the p*ss out of this”

But the legend doesn’t end there. Continue reading →

It’s been a long time….

Lord of Leisure Posted on by

Hello. I’m Paul Hughes. You may remember from such disasters as inventing solar powered street lighting which only works during the day, and finding ways to hide the TV remote control under folds of fat.

It’s been two long months since the last post on OohSometimes, and in that time a lot of weird and some would say wonderful stuff has happened in that time. Let’s have a recap;

  • A US Congressman called Anthony Weiner had to walk away from his job after posting a picture of his Weiner to lucky ladies on the internet.
  • Osama Bin Lid is finally dead, being killed by Seal Team 6 (the other 5 were busy riding roller-coasters and playing crazy golf) in a nice house in Pakistan, next to a miltary compound. Shocking revelations which came from the raid in the days afterward included the facts that he liked porn and watching TV.
  • Gay marriage is now allowed in New York. Heterosexuals happy that all orientations can experience same life-sucking joyless misery as them.
  • UK Education Secretary Micheal Gove warned teachers over their planned strike which took place; they will be held after class if they’re naughty.

    • Continue reading →

    Lonely Lord: New York: Part 4

    Lord of Leisure Posted on by

    And so we come to the final hurdle of the epic drivel about New York, oh the excitement is building to point of you doing naughty on the floor. I can tell.

    The entertainment to be had in NYC also varies widely depending on what you’re looking for, but most of it will cost you a fair bit of cash. The two examples I was presented with, and present to you for your consideration, was a stand-up comedy night and a Broadway show.

    Funny.The stand-up comedy left a lot to be desired if the Ha! club was anything to go by, it’s also the point that the HA! name may actually be ironic. You see, you’re led down to a basement where you are told that after paying for the entrance fee, you are then told you must buy two drinks as a minimum where everything is $10 each. Wonderful, I’m laughing already.

    You then get three people on from the local area, whose most impressive lines include “Anyone here from South Carolina?” at which point someone says yes, and He responds “Oh Man!” That’s the joke. Yep. That’s it.

    Although at some point one of them asked if anyone was bothered about the Royal Wedding (yes it was talked about all that time ago in March) and out of boredom, I said no, as I was in the front row. I then went on to explain clearly why I didn’t care, and also proceeded to then question how bored the Americans were to be looking at this sort thing, at which point there were more cheers from the audience than during his set. Curious, but there you are.

    So basically it was a huge let-down and if you go to the HA! Comedy Club, find the exit instead. You’ll have a better laugh vomiting on a hobo. Continue reading →

    Lonely Lord: New York: Part 3

    Lord of Leisure Posted on by

    As promised since the dawn of time or since the pointless message post, the third and not final long-winded part of what New York brings will now illuminate the internet after the joys of the Royal wedding yesterday. After the inspiring / painful look into American television the last time, it’s about time we returned to the streets of New York to examine further the people and the environment at which people roam around their daily lives.

    But first we return to the weekend’s events where it seems that after finishing work, various people like to take to the streets to say buy this dodgy CD or indeed that the world is ending.

    who knew?

    It’s not often you get told the exact date the world is going to end, but luckily while in Times Square, that’s precisely what happened with various people wearing sandwich boards telling us that come May 21st, the world ends and we go and say hello to the big fella upstairs and ask if we can come in for tea and biscuits. You heard it here first.

    One thing that seems to be very good is that the Americans will go out to protest over practically anything too, as the Sunday brought up a protest about Muslims being questioned as the Homeland Security Committee was launching a wide-reaching investigation of American Muslims. Yep, they are terrorists and they need to be crushed or whatever. But across town at the same time people gathered in Times Square to protest the treatment of one section of society, there were another group coming out for the treatment of this section of society. See, it’s all equal…..err…. Continue reading →

    The Royal thingy where we get a day off.

    Lord of Leisure Posted on by

    Each step has been rehearsed, each flower meticulously arranged, the aisles transformed into a flowering green avenue of trees.

    Yes tomorrow will be a great day for people staying in bed and sleeping while the royal wedding takes place in central London, to literally people who have been camped out since last year for a chance to see Prince William and Princess-when-she-gets-hitched Kate ride past.

    Yet as the wonderful day comes, at which the vast majority of Brits are simply planning what to do with their day off away from the hoopla, it seems others have other plans to ensure that the event is the spectacle the state hopes it will be, certainly from a financial view, but also one where people forget about naughty that’s currently going on. It also has reminded us that we have a flag, which is also nice not to be seen on fire in Middle eastern countries or being used as makeshift nappies, but just hanging up about the place which makes it all look pretty.

    Wait, we have a flag?

    This has come at a massive cost to all, with over 5000 police officers on patrol to try put down any attempts for people to break helpless phone boxes like what happened it seems with every protest in recent history (bast*rd phone boxes, how dare they allow you to make phone calls at a reasonable price!?!), and also it seems every light fitting, bookshelf and oyster card within London have been checked to see if there are bombs in them. People themselves have been stopped for cavity searches to see if they have a digital timer stuck up their naughty bits. Nick Clegg probably will have been sent to Poland to ensure he doesn’t cause any problems too.
    Continue reading →

    The Alternative Vote

    Lord of Leisure Posted on by

    On May 6th, the British public, after gorging themselves silly on the jolly good times that is to come from the forthcoming Royal Wedding at which point it seems nothing else will ever come close to matching in terms of joy if the media is to be believed, will be asked whether they want to replace the existing first-past-the-post system for electing various drunk old farts with money problems or as three people still know them as: Members of Parliament to Westminster with a method known as the alternative vote (which apparently is AV for short, wonderful what things we can come up with these days).

    Basically the current voting system some people aren’t happy with due to the election result of last year and they want to see if anyone else actually gives a crap in the same fashion to get it changed. It was agreed that this would take place under the Pirates of the Collation agreement so it was going to happen regardless.

    But it seems that generally the vast majority couldn’t give a rats’ ass and are more concerned with what woman from that Essex show they are going to hate the most. Which is why over the past couple of days, more and more literature has been dropping through the post; Continue reading →

    We’ll be right back after this pointless message

    Lord of Leisure Posted on by

    There's something wrong when this is the best you can come up with...

    We apologise for the interrupt to your oohsometimes service, it seems that without jokes overly laboured about things no-one cares about, the world has become a far more sinister place. Even the US government only averted a recent shut-down with mere minutes to spare, though it was not over budgets, but secretly they were in talks with the Lord of Leisure over why he hasn’t opened mocked Black Swan and why Natalie Pregman is in every film at the moment.

    We feel your pain.

    Hence here is a brief look at what will be upcoming over the next couple of weeks, just in case you thought there was nothing to look forward to;
    Continue reading →