Goldstinker, he’s the man, the man with the midas stench.

Given the sheer volume of films that I’ve sat through which have been Oscar chasers, I’m not going to sugar coat this one. In fact I’d rather just make a list of things with Gold in the title. Gold by Spandau Ballet, GoldFinger, “Cash My Gold Dale” from those adverts on British TV ages ago… OK, may as well get on with it.

Gold, starring Matthew Mcconaughey, is a crap film with a crap story about someone you will not like in the least. In many ways, it’s a showcase of what the American Dream has become for many; a load of bulls*it designed to screw people as and when possible. Just in this case, when it happens to the main protagonist you’re not that upset.

Perhaps that was just me, who knows?

Matthew Mcconaughey plays Kenny Wells, a balding gold prospector with a girlfriend played by Bryce Dallas Howard. For the record, She’s way too attractive to stay with him and yet she’s there all the time. Some stuff happens with Kenny’s company and then it’s run from a bar. Kenny thinks there’s gold in the Philippines. But they’ve got f*ck all money to get there. What should he do?

The solution obviously is Kenny stealing his girlfriend’s watch and flying out there. He meets Édgar Ramírez (playing a prospector, Michael Acosta), who then sorts stuff out for finding gold in the Jungle. Along the way, Kenny wanders around, looking, standing, catching Malaria for 6 weeks.

Then magically they find gold and the whole thing unravels from there. They meet bankers and other companies who are trying to screw them, Kenny gets emotional, there’s a couple of funny bits and then it all turns out to be lies, treachery and deceit. The FBI is then involved. Oh no and other words.

There’s gold in them there hills!

To be honest, I’m more confunded by Bryce Dallas Howard’s chracter in that when Kenny is being an ass, she goes and carries on with her life, and yet at the end, still takes him back basically. What is it with a lot of the films where the guy is an asshole and yet they still come back to them? I don’t even care about the rest of the film really, so what I can say from a critical point of view?

It’s overly long, there’s occasional nice music and a couple of funny bits to it. For the most part though, it’s boring and that’s the worst thing this could be. Matthew Mcconaughey basically plays himself in quite a lot of other TV and film projects so nothing new there. The others do an alright job but it’s not really anything which blows you out of the park. The story leaves you wondering why we wanted to know about this at all, when at least Hacksaw Ridge’s War Porn was about something quite amazing in comparison.

It’s about greed and greedy people and honestly, I honestly cannot recommend this film for anyone. It’s a slow plodding film with few likeable characters and in the end, you just aren’t that invested in it. You’d better better off watching the latest Underworld or Resident Evil films. They maybe be slammed by critics and audiences for being awful but I suspect you would feel more at the end than you ever would watching this pile of golden sh*t. I don’t think anyone will remember this ever coming out when it comes to Oscar Bait season 2018 either.

F*ck it, I’m just going to include the music video Gold by Spandau Ballet. It’s much better than this film and shorter.