Who asked for this?!?!?!?!

Wait, this doesn’t look like Oscar Bait! What’s going on here? Have people dared to release something which was just for entertainment and money making’s sake? We will even go more strange as with an added twist, this mini meh features a YouTube video;

Basically the background to this (in the interests of disclosure etc.) is that I attended the European Premiere of xXx: The return of Xander Cage, starring various people I’ve never heard of along with Vin Diesel who is probably been very happy to be riding high again in films since the resurgence of the Fast and Furious series. It was a freebie basically and given my experience of one other premiere before (Horns with Daniel Radcliffe, the little Harry Horse-Botherer who has done some excellent work since), I figured it would be just as good if not better.

Oh boy, would I be wrong.

Basically after arriving at around 5pm to stand outside in the cold London air, along with someone else who I suspect afterwards would have much preferred staying in bed (And so would I), we were left to our own devices with the organisers from Paramount and the PR companies, not really knowing what they were doing. This of course would only serve to make you annoyed, especially if you are needing toilet facilities after the twelfth mocha you’ve guzzled trying to keep warm.

Add to the fact that the stars were late and only after about 3 hours of waiting, do you get literally about ten seconds walking down the carpet before you’re pushed on to get out of the way of the people who are paid way more than you will ever be, you can imagine that my mood was not exactly the type of jumping up and down with glee.

Why am I writing more about the wait and the meh than the actual film? Because it’s still 89% more interesting than what actually happens in the bloody thing!

Wait, are they actually paying us for this? Best holiday ever!

We start out with where the money came from in the opening credits given how many damn companies have their name all over this when we finally start proper with one of only two scenes with Samuel L Jackson in (who we now suspect was just there for picking up the cash to pay off a new TV or something) and a famous footballer who I have no idea who the f**k he is. They explode thanks to a falling satellite which seems to have gone down thanks to a little box named Pandora. This apparently can do anything you want, tell you what’s on TV, make phone calls and hack anything for your own personal use.

So in essence, we have God’s Eye from Fast and Furious 7 as the plot device. Oh wait, but there’s more. Turns out that box is stolen from Toni Colette with the dodgy American accent and looking more like Droopy the Dog as opposed to a hard fighting director of the CIA or whatever, by a band of various skilled people who were at one point, part of the xXx programme that Vin Diesel was recruited into in the first film. We all still following this?

After Vin Diesel steals TV for people in the Dominican republic (seriously, this happens), Toni brings ol Vin in, and after he rejects the team of marines she gives him by chucking them out of an airplane, they then recruit a bunch of f*cking crazy muppets with elite skills and ting to help Vin save the day and whatever. They even get the actor who plays the Hound from Game of Thrones….why? He’s almost completely useless in this film aside from comic relief! There’s also a good number of Chinese villains / heroes in this too, because well they paid for the film, they may as well get some actors in too for the Asian market to get their money back!

Vin and the gang goes off to London where Vin has sex with various women while a sexy woman finds him some info and then off to what I termed “Ibizaland” in the Philippines, meet more sexy people at a party, throw grenades at each other, ride bikes on water….. sigh…. why go on?

This is also the third in the series (only second with Vin Diesel) and apparently if you watched the second one, then you will get why someone turns up at the end to help. If you haven’t because you were picking out lint from your belly button instead, then when the convenient guy turning up with a grenade launcher says hi, you’re basically f*cked as to who he is and why he showed up.

There’s explosions, sexy ladies, music and people fighting the machine and stuff. Oh and the bad guys are crap.

Is it any good? No, not in the least. I would only say those who are fans of Vin Diesel should watch and even then, only if they can get it free. It’s just dire, and I ended up laughing at several parts of the film just because of how stupid it is. I love the Fast and Furious series, I really do. It’s fun with a great cast and actually, since it became more about the team and saving the world etc, it’s been really good fun, even if at times it’s stupid as well. This is the diet coke version of the Fast and Furious series at best. Just leave your brain at the door and yeah, you could get through it.

But hey, at least it was something that wasn’t based on a true story in January!