It’s a rarity that something concerning the real world makes its sorry way onto Ooh Sometimes these days. After all, when covering anything news related, one tends to melt into a puddle on a floor from all the weeping they are doing.

But of course tomorrow is the London Mayoral elections, where in addition various places around the UK will be deciding who they despise the least. That statement is probably not even close to being cynical, just the sad reality we currently face with the state of politics. Because it can be a deeply depressing subject, I decided to briefly present the race for London Mayor, purely based solely on the campaigning that has been most prominent. And then mock it badly.

This may of course mean that for those who were after keen intellectual discussion of the pros and cons of the candidates will be left wanting if they stuck purely to Ooh Sometimes. But hey, we’ll throw in the odd d*ck joke and make fart noises while we’re at it! Somehow it probably will still elevate the coverage above BBC News.

Who would work in a weird thing like this?

Now for those of you that may actually care about such matters, there are several choices all vying for your votes to be king ruler of London deciding who lives and who dies. The winner will control millions of pounds to serve the public by not letting things turn to poop. More likely however, they will take large brown envelopes stuffed with cash to allow Canning Town to be sold off to the Chinese. 

There is a ridiculous amount of overlap in terms of the issues, all harking on about tube fares, making London a green city (they really like that colour it seems, why not purple?) and stopping unaffordable housing being sold to terrorists. Sorry, with the last point the messages may have started to blur together. Because of the nature of the messages being given by all, there seems to be very little to differentiate them if you went purely from what was written in the lovely guide sent to everyone from City Hall.

Oh yes, we got another leaflet, among the mountain of other leaflets we’ve had recently.

But to be honest, as I thumbed through the guide to the London elections, most of them won’t get a look in. They either look like evil wizards, someone who basically would ensure he expressed himself by nutting you in the face or more brilliantly in the case of the BNP (They’re still trying, bless them), show themselves to be like a low cost cover of what goes on the Playboy mansion;

This is no joke. This is really what they presented. Orange Ladies and all…. Ok the censored thing was hiding contact information and not boobs but it may as well have been!

Does anyone actually know who they are aside from the fact that londoners received a lovely leaflet with their faces and soundbites which they got from paid focus groups? But let’s not actually kid ourselves on this. As it stands, it’s going between two titanic err…. titans of the main parties within the UK at the moment. Labour’s Sadiq Khan and Conservatives’ Zac Goldsmith.

I’ll get you next time Gadget, next time…

When it comes to Sadiq Khan’s Campaign, in between actual bits of policy discussion, you’d be forgiven if there was a certain theme playing over and over again in the background;

Pretty much any speeches and written articles have had to shove in references to the fact that his dad was a bus driver and that he came from a council estate. I know it will be trying to keep with message but OK, OK, we got it! But he has at least been sending lots of pamphlets around to people whether they wanted it or not. Even so at least it was an attempt to spread the word about what the candidate will do in London if given the chance.

Did I mention that he would save the planet while giving out free ice cream?

However, it seems that when it comes to the Conservative campaign for MP Sir Lord High Grand Master Zac “Honest, I didn’t get any money from offshore tax havens” GoldSmith the third esq, it could be pretty much be summed up with the following;

The above is not far from the truth. It would be actually very hard without reading the Evening Standard, a newspaper who has basically sided with Zac Goldsmith wholeheartedly to know what Darth Goldsmith has in store for us all, and the vast majority of the campaign has been geared towards ensuring that Sinister Khan is painted as being a terrorist sympathiser.

This being the sleazy world of politics which is nothing but lies, treachery and deceit, you’re not ever going to know the full story about who said what when or what has just been twisted to suit the narrative. However, it seems on the face of things which is what the vast majority of people will stick to when deciding, that while KHAAAANNNNN has tried to stick to message and talk about the issues, the Conservatives have been hell bent on destroying the Labour candidate. And then say that actually Zac’s just misunderstood. Probably while holding a dead pig’s head smirking why so serious.

This is really going down the rabbit hole of course but I’m amazed the Conservative activists just haven’t resorted to having KHHHAAAANNNNN dragged off into a black van, citing national security reasons. Or is that what happens Friday when they need to make him “disappear?”

So come the election tomorrow, which of the candidates will you despise the least enough to put a little X in a box? To me, it does seem to be a no brainer already as who to go for, but then again there are plenty of no brainers already involved with politics so perhaps it’s not best to say at all….

Perhaps it’s best that we instead return to your regularly scheduled meh.