We begin this post about a simple statement of fact.

No-one could have had much faith in this film in the UK given the sheer volume of tickets being given away by pretty much every single outlet going judging from the offers seen over the past week from Hello Magazine to Tastecard. Hell, you probably even a ticket given away with every happy meal seemingly in an attempt to ensure that enough people go in, sit down and then tell everyone else how amazing it is.

So will this blog post on some fat dude’s web space be a good result of that grand experiment or ill, in that it made me feel ill and lose faith in humanity?

Well there’s only one way to find that out, so join me now dear ladies and gentleman on a journey to blow the cover off the newest undercover agent film; Spy

Given this is the first time I’ve seen the lead actress in anything longer than a trailer that I had instantly dismissed, I actually had to look on the internet to see what Melissa McCarthy had done in the past and why the director’s name was banded around so much by various outlets. Turns out they had worked together on films like Bridesmaids and The Heat, which apparently was very successful. 

So what’s Spy all about then and why the song and dance over making sure everyone sees it in the UK for well, nothing? Melissa McCarthy plays Susan Cooper, a I-have-no-idea-how-old analyst stuck behind a desk in a basement at CIA headquarters. The basement for some reason is always infested with rats, which makes of course for a wonderful working environment.

Pretty much Spy opens with an extended combat sequence in Bulgaria, where Jude Law does his best to put on an American accent (and is rather p*ss poor at doing so a lot of the time), acts like James Bond as he tries to locate a nuclear bomb while shooting everyone. Oh, and ends up shooting the bloke who knew where the bomb was too, whose daughter we see later on.

His secret weapon, however, turns out to be our lovable happy go lucky scamp Susan, who communicates with Jude Law via a hidden earpiece, all the while using all manner of high-tech  equipment to get him past the bad guys. Yep, got all fancy toys yet still can’t afford to get exterminators into the building to get rid of the rats…..err…….

As we quickly bear witness, they do seem to work well and get the job done, though Susan is the one who basically does all the donkey work, including mowing the lawn, having failed to fire a gardener. And of course, she’s nursing a lady-hard-on for Mr Law, who is not really feeling the same about her shall we say?

When going on another mission to try and find the nuclear device, Jude runs into a spot of bother and is killed by the daughter of the man Jude had killed earlier, who somehow magically who knows every identity of all the CIA’s top agents. Because of reasons. Susan’s naturally a bit f**ked off and basically volunteers for a mission for the first time to avenge Jude Law’s death, arguing that she’s the only one who won’t be recognised, given the fact that everyone’s cover has been blown somehow.

So now the stage is set to introduce the rest of the cast and indeed the good and bad points along with ending on a witty conclusion. Oh how I going to disappoint you….

Spy tried far too hard.

It tried to land over the top gags with situations which fell flat on it’s arse when presented, and to be frank, when the credits began rolling, the thought was, I lost a mancrush and two hours of my life. Jason “Nipples Harder than Diamonds” Statham being in anything is normally enough to get my large bottom onto a seat for a period of time and that was the only reason really here too.

But most of the time, he came across as a complete pr*ck who wouldn’t know how to throw up, let along throw punches at various people. He has done better comedy roles believe it or not in other films, such as the way over the top but highly entertaining Crank. Indeed he was funnier in Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels if you can remember that far back.

Here, he was a crass asshole who basically only turned up to  say that Susan’s not cut out for the job and hell at one point, just rattles off various examples of his own tolerance for extreme pain which is sadly one of the few points of the film where I did laugh. Another point where I did laugh at our Jason, well, I will leave that for you to find out as it’s right at the end of the film.

Law’s performance through the bits he was in, can only be described as OK. He got the job done with a fairly bad American accent and then got paid to do so, and I suspect he had some fun while doing so at least. Ridiculously, I am honestly struggling to say anything else so will have to move on.

The daughter of the bad fella, Rayna Boyanov played by Rose Byrne, whom after a few moments of inspiring terror in us at the ease of which she had people dispatched, then just degenerated in an airhead rich girl who cried meh when things didn’t go her way and honesty, if a bullet went into the character’s head just to shut her up, it would have been no bad thing.

Miranda Hart also turned up to be in the film and had decided the best thing to do, was just be herself which is a welcome change from everything she has done which again just being herself. Oh, one can only speculate at the role she plays as herself next over in Hollywood. And what the f*ck was 50 Cent doing in this? He’s not exactly short of cash to be doing this sort of thing is he?

But we forget the woman of the hour here and so we must ask; what about Melissa McCarthy’s performance given this was her vehicle for action and humour? This was the first film in which I sat down and watched her, so what was the first outing  truly like and would it inspire me to seek out the earlier works?

Well she gets her teeth sunk into the performance at least, which is shown while dangling from the bottom of a helicopter with Statham holding onto her boobs, slamming a metal pot over the head of a knife-wielding assassin in a pretty good fight sequence to be fair or just vomiting over the corpse of a bad guy she’s just eliminated, because well I guess they figured why the f*ck not do that.

But I swear there is a point in the film where Melissa McCarthy gets dressed up as a proper bodyguard and comes out looking almost exactly like Dawn French, the similarities could not be shaken off for quite a while then which in a way became a distraction from what was going on screen.

Her performance was one where you are left again feeling of she was trying far too hard to shove in a joke here and there. There were moments when you could have empathised with the character of Susan and then well they just figured f*ck it, say some sh*t and carry on instead.

Some of the film was effectively ruined in the trailer in the first place, so when you see it again here, it’s just a moment where a smile may form on your face but that’s about it. The ridiculous on foot chase sequences where pretty much every bad guy had slowed right down so she could look like she was keeping up, was well…..just….what the f**k?

Clearly there were also some jokes which whizzed over my head due to the fact that some of American culture too is lost upon me, given the most I had done recently to broaden my cultural horizons was pick out fluff from my belly button.

I could keep on going about how little Spy entertained but realistically, am I even the target audience for this? Judging from the volume of laughter from others in the cinema, I could be in the minority for sure.

So was the film worth watching then, even if the tickets themselves were free? I can only say no, given the experience and level of enjoyment gained from watching. There were few too good laughs and the few times I did laugh was nowhere near what I dare say was supposed to be the going rate for a spy comedy like this.

But there in lies this point too; there are very few films that every achieve that level of humour with action when taking on the spy genre of film, with perhaps the first Austin Powers, and the excellent Kingsmen released earlier this year showed us the most British way of doing it, those being the most recent examples I can think of in this genre done well.

Plenty of people may enjoy this. I am not one of them.