In something of a rather unusual move, we bring to you something from the console world onto these digital blogrolls of toilet paper as part of your five a day. Only this time, this is more a diary of pain, misery and rage not involving talking to the HMRC about your last year’s tax return. Ladies and Gentleman, for your consideration today, please read on about Bloodborne, out now only on the PlayStation 4.

You died.

Those two words are now burned into my retinas. I’ve seen those two f*cking words so often, that I wish I had really died at times. That weeks from now, when the neighbours complain about the smell and the fire brigade are called to bust down the front door and find my blooded corpse, the words You died will still be on the screen and then people will know the truth.

Bloodborne is nothing short of a f*cking infuriating game, to the point where you may use the game disc itself to open your wrists and embrace the darkness that awaits us all.

I should have known better when I had a hands-on at the Rezzed event, which took place earlier this year in East London. As I recall back then, the time spent with the demo was as follows;

You started after seeing the mind-blowing picture of the PS4 controller with the controls in a dark town type place after you selected one of a few characters which had very few differences between them save for how hard you hit people, and then wander around for a bit. Then you come across a naughty looking scarecrow and then you die as you had forgotten what the attack button was.

So basically I had about 2 minutes of game-play and yet, the reviews have been pouring out since its release in March, all heavily praising it and so that was the main driver here to parting with hard earned currency which most of the time remains absent from my wallet except for one pay day a month.

Surely the fact I would have more time, I would see the better sides of it and perhaps with time, get a lot better and enjoy the experience and I can see why these reviewers saw fit to pile wads of awards and accolades upon it. But let me tell you my experience of the game so far…

Well after waiting for a 3GB patch before starting the game a matter of months since it’s release, I was presented with a rather bizarre yet incredibly well detailed cinematic introduction to the world, involving lots of skinny chaps with rather evil looking zombie dogs dragging big knives about cutting up people, before then someone wanders down somewhere and then is killed.

The next cinematic presents a chap in a wheelchair with no eyes and he goes about some blood thing at which point you can spend 16 hours creating your character to fight whatever it is you’re going to fight, and then you get some blood transfused into you and some weird crap happens.

Then you’re awake and then you wander off down some stairs to a giant wolf, who you can’t kill and will die to. You died appeared on the screen and then quite a wait ensued, waiting for the game to reset back to the beginning. But then you come to a lovely little garden with freaky things in the ground called the Hunter’s Dream, where basically it tells you how to play the game. And then you can pick up weapons which you then have a chance of fighting the wolf beast thing.

But nope, that also would take several attempts to get past where my weapons were not present, and it took the efforts of another who then showed me how to equip the weapons to then kill the wolf. The wolf then killed me another few times, each time, the horrible You died message appeared and then another 15 seconds went by each time. Each time, just increasing the rage.

Then I thought, f*ck it, just run past.

That yielded better results and then I got into the bigger world, which on the face of it looked like a mesh of Victorian London, and the set from Van Helsing, just with Huge Jackman and Kate Sex-Object missing from the cast on screen. The graphics visual display on show from the PS4 hardware was very impressive and running smooth as silk, which was quite an achievement. It was also nice to see a tiny bit of sunshine on such a depressing world where death is your new best friend.

I started encountering the thin dudes who was last seen in the demo, and ridiculously, this was looking familiar. It was the demo starting area. So immediately I knew that failure was again imminent. It was.

You died.

Again. Again again again again actually come to think of it. But after securing a checkpoint that was just before a large area where multiple naughty skinny scamps were around a fire, it felt good that each time, a little progress is made.

You learn how the skinny chaps move around, when to swing your oversized axe and when to just run away, which as it stands, doesn’t work a lot of the time as any animation or action started, doesn’t seem to be stopped. The tactic of luring someone away from the group also yielded little results.

Basically after 5 hours of play, I’ve not left the opening part.

Consider myself, a guy who plays games badly and possesses the spirit of Leeroy Jenkins of World of Warcraft fame when it comes to playing games. No, thinking about it, my video games playing skill is better described as coming from the school of the now destroyed Top Gear, shouting “Power” and then getting it all horribly wrong while hitting a producer for not having a steak dinner.

To play a game such as this is akin to flicking Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s actual johnson with a wet towel, you’re asking for so much trouble. The controls were such a pain in the backside to work out to start with, that someone else had to show me what to do, even with that wonderful garden to tell me the controls to go back to all the time.

The stamina part of game-play, where every attack you make pretty much tires you out straight away means no way can you just swing away hoping to get lucky. Everything has to be so well timed, so calculated that in the end, unless everything goes right, you will just end up so p*ssed off at everything, that the best thing you can do is throw the PS4 at passing traffic and then watch cat videos to calm you down before the police arrive for you throwing said PS4 into said traffic.

So after all this moaning, how can anyone persist with this pile of infuriating bulls**t, where the story doesn’t even make any sense to start with, how without a load of Molotov cocktails, health potions and blind luck, do you get past the opening part of the story?

I only even mentioned the technical achievements in passing, and didn’t even go into the wonderful audio that haunts the terrifying world that has been built, despite everyone sounding like Dick Van Dyke from Mary Poppins at times.

I didn’t even mention the touch of your character being covered in blood when he or she’s been in battle. I don’t even know what the story is aside from naughty skinny people are wandering around and you die a lot. You died seeing the same opening part over and over and over and over and over again.

That was what I took away from Bloodborne, not the wonderful game that everyone seems to have seen, but just a way to use a games machine to have a mental breakdown. I may persist with this, but then again, that police cell sounds so peaceful. You may have to think twice before you get this for your PlayStation 4, because you will need a hell of a lot of patience and free time to get anywhere with this.

I have neither.