In a return to issues which concern not that of entertainment but that of the real world, it’s time I finally wrote about one of the bigger horrors that always gets overlooked with home ownership and that is clearing up the mess left behind by previous owners.

Put simply, It’s not been too much fun over the course of the winter at home recently, as one of the worst to have to do aside from admit to people you like the Mr.Blobby song from 1993, is to survive without fully working hot water and no real heating aside from one slightly dodgy convection heater which will do some of the job but of course to heat an entire flat is asking a bit too much of it.

This leads to one of the awful truths; Getting a chap to install a new boiler is one of the largest single expenses you will ever have to face. Hell, even paying for an abortion, an invasive medical procedure for those who don’t wish to bring life into the world after dirty fun sexy time just yet, is way cheaper!

It’s also one of the trickiest purchases to get right for those who have no idea how the damn things work and if you get it wrong, it could prove a very expensive mistake indeed afterwards to fix. But given that it was freezing outside and the lottery of whether or not the hot water finally took it’s toll, it was time to take back my pride, my freedom and stop using the hot water bottle.

Which was never going to be an easy thing.

First of all, who has a lot of cash just lying around? This involves hocking yourself out on the street if you can flaunt yourself or, and this is the more practical solution for most; going to various financial institutions in order to see if you can actually get the work done in the first place. You are going to need to get a large amount out and the likihood is you’re going to have to pay that back over a few years.

Lies, treachery and deceit! J’accuse and other things!

The next thing to do was to see how badly I was about to be ripped off, given that in London, the streets are paved with gold and even the rats are busy shitting money everywhere they run. But even I lost the will to live by the range of different quotes I was offered and the huge costs involved, simply for one reason. I am on the top floor, and people have to get the gas flume thing through said roof.

Cue health and safety nightmare and hefty pay day for the workmen.

As British Gas is one of the bigger companies in the UK where they offer fixed price things, I had bravely called them to give me the bad news over the recent festive period, just after everyone had cried with the fact that father Christmas didn’t give them what they wanted as the economics of life has changed and there is no way you’re getting that bike any time soon.

I didn’t particularly expect the quote to be way over the top of course, but it was once the sales guy gave the sheets of paper from his tiny travel printer that I dropped to my knees and cried in cinematic agony.

But on the bright side, it least you know then what the worst price you would pay would be, and then you just casually go through the various resources, trying to get numbers from various companies you’ve never heard of and then deciding who is going to cause your wallet to only have a stroke as opposed to full on cardiac arrest.

It’s often not helped by the fact that everyone who lives outside of London, remark on the fact that they were able to get everything changed for the home heating system for about £12.50 and some chips and you, stuck in gold filled Londonland are looking at around £4000 and possibly your first born for just the boiler to be replaced.

You then basically are at the mercy of said company really as you have to take them of their word that everything will work out, and clearly more often than not, it will not, as people double book their time and you probably will end up getting annoyed on the phone trying to get time off arranged so you’re there while your house is destroyed to get at one tiny pipe in a wall somewhere.

Behold, the one true boiler!

Basically you will end up losing time to this work and there is no two ways around it, it really does suck, as once again you see endless holiday pictures from everyone on Facebook while the best thing you take a photo of is the deluxe pot noodle you bought from the corner shop for a treat.

However, the value in having hot water on demand and actual heating which is working, can almost be described as priceless.

Once it’s done, the comfort lies within the fact the guarantee is there for a good number of years, you’ll get servicing of the system for a couple of years, and given everyone has to be registered, you will be assured that everything will be in tip top condition, as if they did a bad job, there would always be the possibility that they would lose their ability to work if they lost the relevant accreditation.

I feel I was very lucky with the firm that did do the job as they were the cheapest in London and did get finished in the two days that you could swear openly and no-one would hear above the drilling.

I can only hope that there is nothing else that needs attention right now, as again, the pitfall of having to get things done, is that your money is forever disappearing down a black hole, simply due to the lack of care who had the place before you. And there’s no more money left until I collect my fees from my pimp…..err……never mind.