Oh no, it’s the economic crisis dressed as a spider! Run away!

In face of the Chief Medical Officer of the Starship UK, having watched Attack of the Giant Killer Ants from 1952 and proclaiming we’re all doomed by super-bugs which cheers us all up no end,  there was a different article written online for the Guardian on March 10, which as we all know is read only by the world’s peace-loving hippies and devout worshipers of anything from the John Lewis catalogue.

Mainly it was about how young people have started drinking far less, but instead have replaced that with the internet as the next thing to be getting drunk with for hours every day.

You can find it written down here for your dining and dancing pleasure. But there was a couple of things worthy of note towards the end…

The internet is revolutionising how we develop social skills; it’s changing how we interact with our immediate surroundings and it’s gradually weaning young people off the social mores of their parents.

However, while we might be drinking less, the shift in our priorities comes with a forfeit. Like alcohol, the internet is a stimulant and its constant stream of information is something that, over time, we’ve all become quietly reliant on.

This actually touches on an area which certainly should be a bigger worry than it actually is. The internet has indeed changed how we live for many reasons, for the better. Skype for example, giving voice-over-ip to the masses, allowed for communications worldwide without worrying about bills. All you need is an internet connection and a device to talk through.

But for just two fairly important reasons, as some will know, the Internet is not always responsible for good things.

Addiction to “le smartphones”
This is now the biggest cause behind people’s behavioural changes and the cause of the human race perhaps being doomed along with the dinosaurs. Only this time, we’d either not notice the meteor hitting the earth as we were too busy looking at a video of a cat with a sock on its head or if we did notice it, we’d be busy taking a picture of it, and would have uploaded it with the caption “A big ball of fire, we’re going to die! LOL!”

Why yes, I do want to save money on my car insurance…

It seems that we humans have grown an extra limb which we cannot live without. And it has a 4in HD screen and 3G.

It’s now something with which we can stay in touch our friends even faster and easier than ever before….even when you really shouldn’t be doing so. One recent change has arrived at the cinema, where it seems certain people, who were not content with just turning up and chatting through the entire event, now will no longer struggle to continue the conversation, as they now check their phones for the latest up-to-the-minute information every 10 seconds.

You easily know this due to the blinding light which emanates from their phones whenever the blessed device is in their hands.

I have to ask just a few questions; First, what is so f*cking important that you have to check your phone during a film at the cinema? Are you a doctor who was supposed to be working at an incubator, but decided to go out for a bit?  Are you waiting for a phone call as you’re someone’s “Phone-a-Friend” from Who wants to be a Millionaire? Or are you running a sex hotline, which is the soul method of income you have in life, having failed to secure a job at McDonalds cleaning up child vomit from the deep fat fryer?

All of which only comes then the final question; Why are you at the cinema? Switch the thing off, or we will use voodoo magic to bring back Jimmy Saville to fix it for you. And not in a good way.

What’s even worse, is if you actually ask them to switch the phone off, they look at you, laugh as though you’re the arsehole in this situation and then just carry on. This is what was meant by smartphones being the future, it allows people to be annoying in all new ways. Perhaps the next topic is precisely why we have this phenomenon.

Status Updates
At the moment, the Facebook feed on a daily basis has turned into some form of higher place of being, with inane platitudes which in comparison makes the Magic Roundabout look like an episode of Mastermind. While some of these are indeed harmless fun and some are just wonderful examples of how we find humour in almost anything that happens, some things go to the point of making you just groan and awakens the grumpy old man that dwells within.

While the occasional posting of a certain type of update can be refreshing and uplifting when you need it, in some cases, the frequency of them just flood your various social portals to the point you’d hope that you drown.

Such as the selection below;

Then we receive such wonderful publications shared from mainly women (yes, this is a generalisation, and please feel free to state otherwise and prove me forever wrong on this one) who are wanting a relationship with anything other than a worn-out copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary, or as more often the case, are in a happy relationship already;

Yes, even now, I cannot explain the feeling of wanting to kill whoever came up with this trash.

People also now insist on sharing pictures of what they eat. Occasionally food prepared by your hand is good to see, given some of the efforts people go to, some people have made cakes which should be showcased in the National Gallery, let alone Facebook. But no, mostly it’s stuff other people had at restaurants. Or Greggs.

Surely the better thing to do with food….is to eat it rather than take a picture of it?

Despite this, I was recently asked why I do not take more pictures of food (though this was also coupled with the statement that I should be taking a lot more photos in general of everything to share with others). So to remedy that situation, here is a picture of pasta I had in the oven one day, posted online for all to enjoy;

Yummy, and at no point would it annoy Starvin’ Marvin to see a picture of food he can’t have.

However this leads to another situation in, that this picture was in the privacy of my own home. If I were to do the same in public, the only thing which is certain to happen is that in corners of the room, there would be people who would look at you as you’ve just dropped a turd on the floor and decided to run around with no underpants on.

Everyone else would just be on their phones, checking what’s just been posted.

It’s even getting to the point that we will spend time liking the like about what we posted on the Facebook in the first place;

Finally one of the best annoyances about social media and the re-posting of other material are causes. Now good causes indeed should get some publicity, and raise awareness of certain issues which otherwise wouldn’t be covered by conventional media. If it can also directly help provide aid, as was in the case of the Japanese Tsunami in 2011, or Haiti in 2010, then all the better.

However, there are certain topics which get raised over and over again, simply because the picture that comes with the cause is pretty and / or the poster wants to make him or herself look better than they really are.

For example, are you not happy about horses being used for meat, toothpicks and / or organ transplants? Then you’d best also highlight said issue which had existed for years and for which in certain countries, the attitude has never waived despite various amounts of pressure. Such wonderful posts like the below fill you with the spirit of Christmas or at the very least, drive you to start drinking spirits;

Hmm, that caption may need a slight rethink. Perhaps they have forgotten that we also kill animals for food and sometimes population control of said animals as has been the case in the past? Hell, even badgers are even on the table to be controlled now by some! What about those to have animals put down to end suffering of said animal?

Basically anyone who has ever had a ham sandwich in their life, or has had their dog put down is also an animal killer by the above reasoning, regardless of the reason why. Not really the stuff which gets air time on Sky News is it? Unless you’re going to donate £5 a minute to save a snow donkey.

There are also images posted for a cause, which happily will draw an arrow to the person’s profile image in a vain attempt to ensure that the person sharing the gumph really does care about what they say. Normally it’s associated with the type of thing that has a good cause like “Stop Children from playing with barbed wire” or “Violence against old people: let’s actually start doing it properly.”

A hoe. For show.

There was even one circulating round recently when you vigorously state to all your friends that you’re not for violence against women, but this surely has to go back to what we know as being unacceptable in society anyway and as a result, something which surely anyone in their right mind wouldn’t need to voice as you wouldn’t be doing it in the first place and if you did, you’re subject to dealing with the long arm of the law and some lengthy jail time.

Unless you’re a pimp and your hoes are getting outta line, in which case you’ve got to show who’s large and in charge, can you dig it?

To combat this array of feel good rubbish which doesn’t actually do anything to further the cause it claims to be highlighting, my suggestion is to actually take a leaf out of those who post such thing’s book and post the following;

Wonder if anyone would get the irony of the “Share if you do too.”

It’s rather sad, as some of the best content shared can be found using services like Reddit, and the Twitter nation. But you really will have to start trying to sift through a lot of crap to get at any decent information, be it informational, or just for entertainment.

So there we are. Two major holes in the otherwise fine system known as the Internet. Some of you will not be surprised at this, whereas for others, it’s a fine topic to get annoyed about and blame everyone else for this during Question Time.

Join us next time on Ooh Sometimes when we find the 10 best ever pictures of cushions.

Note: Image of girl on phone used in smartphone section can be found from here: http://blog.jammer-store.com/2011/05/the-easy-way-to-achieve-silence-in-a-movie/ We stole other pictures like the hoe (http://farminginmycellar.tumblr.com/) using Google, and here was the review of the film Tarantula, in case you thought it wasn’t a real film!