Chocks away and what what, oh it’s never a better time to be British, the flags were all out, and the entire nation came together, united in celebration at a once in a lifetime event, as Morrisons offer 2 for 1 on bottles of Diet Coke.

I mean, the Queen’s Diamond/Gem/Shiny Shiny/Bling/Mink Coat Jubawee over the floor took place over the weekend, where we celebrated having four whole days off thanks to Queen Elizabeth the second, still being alive and on the throne (I refer to an actual throne and not the toilet as I mistakenly thought) for 60 years.

And low, the good people of Great Britain (twinned with Bosnia) and others where the Queen also mattered joined together to say well done, and drink far too much in beer tents and street corners.

The matter started as it meant to go on with a trip to the races, and after Katherine Jenkins sang her latest rap song, “The wheels on the bus go blat blat because I shot em”, or the National Anthem (it’s easy to get those confused), some horses went round and round a race track for the day.

Wonder if we can get duty free on one of those boats?

The second day came the Thames River Pageant, involving at least 1,000 boats, a badger and several packets of pork scratchings. Watching boats go past is fine for about 10 minutes, maybe a bit more, but after a while, let’s be fair, you’re more likely to go back to running over prostitutes in GTA 4.

There was a concert where people came out and did stuff for the Queen, who showed up an hour and half later after it started, probably because one was rat-arsed and needed some sleep.

And then Buckingham Palace exploded in a nicely laid out display by Al-Qaeda.

Death to the infidels and happy 60 years on the toilet, I mean throne!

More stuff happened on Tuesday and today, we all went back to work. The End.

But not all was well for the Jubawee if you were watching it on Auntie Beeb’s old service. In fact, the British Boredcasting Corporation was pretty much ripped apart for the Thames boat race live broadcast with viewers attacking its “inane” commentary.

Amongst other things, the angry villagers, sorry, viewers also laid into the poor sound quality and sometimes bizarre items as the coverage kept cutting away from the sight of lots of pretty boats on the river to show instead Auntie Beeb’s line-up of presenters — including Angellica Bell in a maternity unit (yeah baby….I’ll get my coat.) to gorgeous stick Tess Daly with dancers in Battersea Park (Good lord, maybe it’s because of that dancing thing she does with the old bloke?).

We also had a nice discussion on what seems to have been just cross-dressing and Jubilee vomit bags carried out by damp trouser Ferne Cotton and some other woman I’ve never heard of before, and probably never will again, unless she’s brought out again to discuss the forthcoming special edition Olympic Vomit sacks (fully reusable too!).

Comes with everything you see here….

And you know that there concert mentioned above? Well It seems that Rolf Harris got the crowd going a bit singing about Two little boys during a lull in order to keep everyone going and happy, when Lenny Henry (fresh from apparently spending every waking hour in a Premier Inn) seemed to get bored of this and interrupted to bring on another act. We were not amused then either it appears.

The BBC thought they were doing right and defended itself later given the weather conditions and trying to shed its image as being stuffy. Bit of a miss here, as generally the BBC is actually rather good at raising it’s eyebrows when required and this seemed like one of those times when it should have done, and left the vomit bag stuff to amateur hate-filled trolls with delusions of grandeur like myself.

And finally, something somewhat related to the Jubawee, A few days before the epic time off where little was achieved, there was something else which caught my glass eye, often used to scare everyone at parties; How time off with an extra bank holiday is destroying the economical sanctity of the nation according to some useless b*stard.

It all started with a glimpse of a magazine article on the BBC News website, which asks Do Bank Holidays cost the economy?

This was further looked into and it seems a number of news organisations ran with the same thing, informing us how £18billion can be added to the economy by scraping bank holidays altogether. Independent Article

Look at him and hate him, hate him, and then hate him some more.

First of all, who let anyone like this, let alone a poorly titled “think-tank” near a news organisation, let alone several who picked up this story at all? Was this a deliberate attempt to annoy people who work day in, day out? It has to be as it seems to actually be out there for no other reason.

Do they also forget that at some point, there apparently more to life than waking up, going to work, going home, sleeping and repeating the cycle till you’re not fit to make money in some fashion for a company, to then be tossed aside in order to maintain the production of useless crap for us to then buy and clog up our homes while allowing the rich few to own Berkshire and whatever else they fancy?

Perhaps an overreaction there of course, as the right honourable Douglas McWilliams, who may have had a bit of sense after think-tanking about what he was saying, (maybe he saw the angry villagers on the horizon and then redid the maths?) had then stated “he was not advocating scrapping the holidays but spreading them out.”

Thank goodness for these wonderful think-tanks, who happily vomit out wonderful news like this into Jubawee vomit bags for us all to enjoy. Perhaps though, they may want to focus on further relevant issues like what is actually contained within Hot dogs, or even how many M&Ms does it take to choke a donkey?

Ah, of course, my mistake. That’s for leading scientists at Oxford University to solve. Then maybe we’ll look at something else….like trying to get the country sorted if we’re bored.