Seasons greetings to you all! It’s the 25th of December and that means a festive Ooh Sometimes message to be displayed to those who finished all the mince pies, burnt the Christmas dinner and thought those crotchless hot pants they gave to Grandma was a good idea, especially when she came back to show everyone what they looked like on her.

As what should kind of go without saying yet you can’t really get away with it, Merry Christmas to everyone whether they like it or not today, and indeed instead of wishing cheer and peace to all mankind, let’s just remember what it’s all about; spending time with people you go elsewhere to get away from and being disappointed to once again receive that novelty item that everyone thought you’d love but instead would rather choke the dog with.

I told you I wanted a microwave bitch!

During the festive period of tolerance to all, the Lord of Leisure will be in residence away from (insert weather condition here) London, more than likely right now I’ll be sharing the sheer joy found on my father’s face over the breast implants voucher he now has to use and the belt sander that mum will use clean the car with.

Ok, let’s just pause for a moment as if you happen to be reading the text within this blog post straight (we’re not sexualist, if that is even a term), you’d be forgiven that the writer of this piece would be about to commit suicide by tinsel. Rest assured that is not the case, it’s just a slightly harder time of year that one would care to admit.

Granted, the overall situation is pretty much the same as the past few years, and it does seem that even maintaining your employment is nothing but a daily struggle for survival, it’s only a matter of time before we see Tesco checkout staff fight over who’s going to bag Mrs Watkins’ cabbages to prove that they are invaluable to the demon managers in charge. On the bright side, in 2012, it’s the end of the world, so that will make it all alright then.

It’s actually all too easy to get swept up in a wave of depression on a daily basis, given that the now infamous 99% of people are propping up the elite 1%, the recent wave of new bombings or whatever else has just been flashed up on Sky News as a breaking story, the breaking part being that of breaking our wills to live.

But for the time being, we’re all off again, in a house with working electricity for the PlayStation or other electrical distractions (I know everyone except Starbucks’ workers would have been off anyway as Christmas Day is on a Sunday but let’s go with the flow), and we’re all probably developing a massive drinking problem disguised as being joyful and of course, some of the lucky member of the human race will receive the ultimate Christmas gift, no not that triple strength aftershave which can cause a passing rhino to fall into a coma.

No, it is of course, having naughty with someone you’ve met on a bus, or not, we don’t judge you if you do use the bus, it just means you’re part of the 99% and we don’t like them….now last year and the year before I made the same request of if people had a sexy sister with no self-esteem, f**k it, if their sisters were easy, then they were to let me know.

Well bugger me (the sisters certainly didn’t) if no-one responded. Let me crawl back to the warm bottle of Jack Daniels which at £19 was a far easier option.

So to finish off the 2011 Christmas message on a resounding high, please enjoy the precious moments you’re having with people you know, and let’s look forward to eating only another days worth of leftovers from the bins (well in this time of austerity, we only bought 2 buckets of KFC as a special treat), as we’ll have to loosen our belts for the coming year, given that the belt-tightening isn’t what the big companies were hoping from mere mortals with no cash left.

We’ll see you all for the new year’s message in a few days, unless we got distracted by shiny things again and wake up wearing Grandma’s crotchless trousers, possibly recreating scenes from the Hangover.