Well done, you’ve reached level 2012, the one where it has that boss that floats around stealing our hard earned tax dollars, remember to use the cheat code to unlock the phone hacking ability to use to gather evidence of his Swiss bank account and you win!

Hooray, it’s the exact same picture we used last year!

It still baffles the mind what the actual reason is for going out to places on New Year’s, other than the fact that you get the next day off and therefore can nurse that hangover you picked up along with a mysterious stranger with breath that could melt a diamond.

And after you’ve cleared away the debris, sat down in the kitchen and eaten two pigs worth of dirty meat to feel somewhat human once more, the grim reality of everything being pretty much the same, except for the lack of any booze left in the house and the instant desire to make all new promises about everything only to fail about three minutes later.

So Happy new year, and actually in a slight twist to the normal new year’s post from Ooh Sometimes in which we drag out the same stereotypes over and over again as what the new year will bring for all, let’s take the opportunity to write some slightly more constructive and nudge our collective memories as we bid farewell to the year that was 2011 and see how much better or worse 2012 could possibly be as a result;

January

In television, January saw the birth of the 10’O Clock show on Channel 4 due to the fact we had nothing like the Daily Show in the UK…except for when the Daily Show was on E4. Oops.

It was received at first in a warm-ish possibly way, then pretty much went down the toilet afterwards, though on the bright side the series was renewed for broadcast in 2012, so god only knows how well that will go down.

In the news, England won something, Sky Sports took one hell of a beating after two sports presenters lost their jobs after secret recordings of a private conversation in which they made sexist comments were made public which made everyone jolly upset.

Oh and that silly little thing in Egypt started, what was it, a revolution or something, who remembers?

February

The new revolution in Egypt gathered pace, where basically the same thing was the reason why the people took to the streets, but aside from getting down about high unemployment, skyrocketing food prices, pervasive poverty and being unable to walk like an Egyptian, they soon demanded that the corrupt president in power, a thunderbirds puppet called Mubarak, simply p*ss off and allow them to have the same freedoms now being enjoyed by others.

Guitar Hero, the funky fisher price guitar playing game was dropped by Activision as basically they couldn’t make huge amounts of money out of it any more.

The Big Society was the big idea coming from the Collation Government and that fell flat on it’s arse pretty much straight away due to a huge amount of cynicism on everyone’s part, and the party being held for MP’s kids to get cushy internships with big City firms didn’t help the idea either, the only message seemingly being “f*ck everyone else and look after yourself.”

And the internet’s fair mindedness came out in full force over a music video put online by one Rebecca Black, in which she sang about Friday a lot, wanting fun fun fun fun, looking forward to the weekend. See for yourself, in case you wanted to relive the wonder you experienced the first time listening to this;

She may as well been setting badgers on fire while shouting death to the west for the difference in hatred she got from this attempt at stardom.

The sad part is, far worse songs written by people named Jizzy Tissue and the Stains of Love go to number one in the charts as people buy it in their thousands.

March

March brought us the horror of a tsunami hitting Japan and wiping out countless lives, the devastation put on show for everyone to see, and the sheer will and calm demeanour of the Japanese people during that time was nothing short of amazing.

A fire in all that water; Nature’s just taking the p*ss now….

The human cost was feared to be in the thousands with many feared dead in the “Mr. Miyagi” prefecture and at the time, people were being exposed to radiation from one of the many settings for the new series of the Incredible Hulk to begin; the Nuclear plants badly damaged in the aftermath, where cooling failures have meant that in order to ensure that further damage and explosions are limited, sea water being pumped into the tanks into the chambers to cool down the “David Banner mad, Hulk smash” fuel rods.

However since that tragic sequence of events, there has been very little actually shown about the clean-up and rebuilding of the country, it would have been good for people to see how people are getting on and how life goes on since.

Charlie Sheen was winning while p*ssing out tiger blood everywhere but that wasn’t enough for Warner Bros who fired him from Two and 3/4 men for basically behaving in the same manner as he does in the TV show.

Winning? Really?

The phrase “Winning, Duh” became a catchphrase overnight, and was so overplayed to the point that the next person to say it as a joke, would be strangled with tin foil.

For a brief period of time in the UK, it was an obsession, but was life itself for the US media as every network all bent over backwards to say they had the exclusive interview with the actor who basically p*ssed on his doorstep and then went on a bender the likes of which we’ve not seen since 10 minutes ago.

It’s just nice to know that since then, he’s made a name for himself in a stage show which tanked, and he was the butt of jokes on a Comedy Central roast. Well done Charlie.

Oh and I had a “blink and you miss me” moment on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, shown on NBC the same day. Cos I was hanging with the homies in New York. And ting.

April

Oh no, I actually missed this, my life is empty…

Oh how everyone laughed when the Royal wedding came around, the sheer joy shared up and down the country was enough to distract everyone from the other things happening in the world.

It also caused the US television networks to go all prim and proper for a while, asking gay men how to make a British cake and standing next to something they think will be exotic for their audiences, but just ends up being a bin with a homeless person hanging out of it.

For my part I did the very best to join in with the festive atmosphere, by looking out the window of the flat to see the coaches of tourists parking up, and then going back to bed till around 2pm, when the shops were empty and I could get some pizza for dinner. A rich full day indeed.

The internet itself has also been ablaze with questions about what you will be doing. Twitter, the world’s easiest way to tell complete strangers that you’ve had a bowel movement and link to various YouTube videos showing it in full detail, also had epic updates from Slim Fast wondering about the dress and who you would have to design your own royal wedding dress?

Oh and you’re fat so buy our crap.

May

You’d think people’d be happy at this….I don’t know, eh?

Ah of course, do you remember where you were when we all saw the picture showing lots of important people watching a TV which then depicted the death of Osama Bin Lid, which we never ran anything about on this blog aside from a small mention to Seal Team 3447347, an elite team of second hand car dealers and part time pie makers, probably.

Who knows, we’ll never see them.

Amazingly Osama Bin-Corpse was tracked down to a fortified compound in a nice and lovely neighbourhood 60 miles from the capital Islamabad, just down the road from an Army barracks. So much for those luxury caves everyone spent years looking for.

Seal Team ABC-Easy-as-123 opened fire when the 9/11 terror chief refused to surrender as he was only half way through a redtube video he was using to perform a jihad on his penis with. They hit him in the head and chest and also killing three others, one of whom was his son.

Bin Laden’s body was identified using DNA which was matched to samples taken from his late sister’s brain – and his corpse was later buried at sea, which meant for ages people didn’t believe it, demanding to see pictures of his head in bits.

Oh, and people took to the streets mainly just for the morning paper and some milk for their cornflakes, but those naughty news people ended up showing them on TV worldwide making it look like the American pubic was celebrating the news and possibly making themselves look like bloodthirsty ass-holes in the process.

But there was also the good time of all of the UK being asked whether they wanted to replace the existing first-past-the-post system for electing various drunk old farts with money problems with the alternative vote. It was doomed to fail, but on the bright side, there was plenty of room for mocking the entire affair with very unhelpful alterations of campaign material such as this;

I knew it, he is evil! HATE HIM!!!

June

Heh Heh….Wiener.

Ooh Sometimes was off the air of sorts during June as normal life matters took hold and a silly matter of moving home had to be dealt with before returning to the fold, at which point we’d missed a golden opportunity to completely rip the good one out of a US Congressman called Anthony Weiner, who had to walk away from his job after posting a picture of his Weiner to lucky ladies on the internet.

Good thing that that everyone else leaped on it instead, as if that was allowed to pass, then we’d have to question ourselves as a species.

Gay marriage was now allowed in New York. Heterosexuals were happy that all orientations can experience same life-sucking joyless misery as them.

The long awaited Duke Nukem Forever finally arrived after 14872372393 years in development and pretty much is lamented by everyone, to the point the dev teams behind it are now on trial for crimes aganist humanity and will be sentenced to death by listening to Barney the Purple Dinosaur sing, causing huge loss of blood through the ears.

Fighting in Libya continued with no stop coverage on the news, OK, so at the time I wrote that it was being fought using elastic bands and hitting each other with plastic rulers amid huge cost cutting by both sides.

Kind of wasn’t as this was the time everyone in Nato decided to get tough and launch Operation “insert good sounding name here”, in which they had planes fly around and bomb Gadaffi’s army

July

Amy Winehouse died, which meant that she would never ever recover from going off a cliff like a chronically depressed lemming when it came to the various naughty things in her life, her ex-husband not withstanding.

And then we had one of the best moments of the year, just beating the news of two for one bottles of cola at Tescos; Rupert Murdoch being hit with a pie.

If you allow me darling, men talking.

Yes this was the month which Phone Hacking was all the rage, having been building up more and more till everyone found what the newspaper naughty people had been doing with a dead 13 year old’s phone, which meant the News of the World had to close for the last time, meaning we had to just refer back to ITV for trashy information on things we don’t care about instead.

Darth Murdoch, along with his young apprentice had to sit in front of a load of MPs who questioned them both on why they didn’t know, how evil they are, and why they insisted on murdering kittens in front of children for Christmas.

Tom Watson was the main warrior against Darth Murdoch, deflecting several attempts by James The Hutt to answer questions about what was known as time and time again, Tom Watson stated that Rupert Vader was the man in charge of corporate governance for the entire company and therefore responsible. It just wasn’t going to go away.

You knew that certain things were never going be to answered and that was certainly the case for a number of questions, and on some level, they may very well not know that much that was going on, after all it wouldn’t be the first time people lied their asses off to pretend that everything is wonderful right up to the bitter end.

The whole affair actually faded a bit afterwards but then started to come back recently to haunt everyone again after famous person after famous person was questioned and gave statements, the most notable being again Huge Grunt, who while impassioned in giving his point of view that all journalists are bastards, managed to make one of the lady lawyers all wet if you paid attention to the looks she gave him, burning holes in his trousers every 10 seconds.

August

Balls.

Generally this is the time of year, where everyone who failed to use birth control correctly have to take the mistakes on holiday with them, and generally getting to work is a lot easier. The news also tends to have nothing to do, except maybe get an ice cream.

But a shooting of a man in North London was to change all that.

London was literally burning, and it was hard to actually understand why to begin with, as I had turned up back in the country after a very productive trip abroad and things were fragmented at best.

It seemed that all sense had left us and in the morning, we’d all be hanging out with Mad Max in the Thunderdome, hoping that Tina Turner didn’t want us killed.

The rioting over the course of the next 48 hours, moved around areas of London, with Hackney, Croydon, Ealing and Clapham all feeling the wrath of people who wanted to strike fear into the hearts of anyone caught outside and around when it all took place. The police were unable to cope at all with what was going on, and despite their best efforts, were losing the battle.

This video was used as an example of what kind of people the authorities were dealing with;

And at the end of it all with countless hours of footage etc reviewed, the main reason of why it boiled over from the death in North London somehow was this; it was a bunch of useless c**ts who wanted to steal stuff.

For some reason they found it was a good opportunity to go shopping on the cheap in these troubled times and mainly wanted big TVs and trainers. Oh and basmati rice from the corner shop. You have to have something to go with your curry, don’t you?

Afterwards there were a good number of prosecutions, some of which were lambasted in the media for their harshness, considering what some people actually took, but then again with the demand for hanging the b**tards in full swing by the public for the things that had happened up and down the country, what were the justice department to do?

September

This was the point where nothing happened of note, or least this was the start of which I never wrote anything for a long time again, perhaps being too leisurely.

I got older and more worn down probably at this point, so let’s move swiftly onto October

October

Colonel Saunders, sorry Gadaffi came to a sorry end when he tripped over and got shot with someone’s gun, a terrible accident for sure. Thus ensuring that Libya was set on it’s own path and that people get the chance to screw everything up in a new and exciting way!

This month also saw the 7th billion person being born, at which point they were told what crap there was to look forward to and then the baby crawled back into the womb.

Bet he wished there was an defibrillator app

And finally the whole world forgot their troubles when Steve Jobs, the man who made selling Apple’s shiny things to people so good, passed away this month due to complications with treatment for his cancer.

Notable people including Barack Obama, Captain of the Coalition David Cameron, Microsoft founder and current Nobel peace prize wanter Bill Gates all commented profoundly on the death of Jobs and the impact he had on the world at large, with hundreds of thousands of more people feeling so sad for the death of one man who made it possible for them to buy apps which made fart noises at any time, anywhere.

But no matter what your thoughts are on the I-f*cks out there, there was no denying the achievements of the man who brought Apple back into the mainstream.

November
Virgin Money snap up Northern Rock for about £5 and some left over chips, but the big news which gave everyone hope for the future came with warnings of “Save the euro in 10 days or see the EU disintegrate”

Which actually this news had been going on for a significant portion of the year, as the debts of the EU countries in the single currency continues to mount, there was still no concrete plan in place other than let’s throw more non-existent money at the issue, which hadn’t worked the first, second and third time with Greece.

Though David Cameron later would upset everyone by saying no to a tighter fiscal policy across all countries centrally controlled by the EU even for those outside the Euro because it would cause people in the City to be upset and some other reasons that we all forget because we focused on that reason only.

The ridiculous part of it all is that the problem continues to lumber on while the leaders continue to try and work something out while hopefully looking like they know what they are doing and what will happen.

Either way it was an excuse for the French to hate us all over again.

After losing his majority in parliament amid growing fiscal problems related to the European debt crisis, Berlusconi officially resigned as Prime Minister of Italy, which meant no more Bunga Bunga parties. A nation mourned the loss, as well as satire writers around the world.

December
Jeremy Clarkson was pounced on by the ever popular happy go lucky unions while actually poking fun at the BBC for them having to be balanced about everyone’s issue

Some woman got upset that the BBC didn’t have any women in its Sports Personality of the Year Awards with women in the name of equality.

The world got a little bit more ronely with Kim Jong-Il’s death and apparently we didn’t spend enough on Christmas presents to make sure that the economy didn’t destroy itself. Oh no.

So there you have it, that was 2011. We can only hope that 2012 is boring as f*ck as we need some time off from all the silliness methinks. Do have nightmares because that will be at least something different to talk about the next day.