Nerf.

Not a choice, but a state of mind.

And that state of mind is disturbed, but not for the reason of heavily self-medicating. No, good friends/enemies, That state of mind is disturbed by all the violence currently occurring in the world. What is more disturbing is that we cannot join in with the violence in a family friendly way.

There is talk currently of arming the Libyan rebels to aid them in their fight against Madame Tussauds dummy Col. Gaddafi. But we’re in a recession and the rebels haven’t started selling their oil yet to get real weapons second hand off Ebay. So given these factors, what better way of the rebels of being armed on the cheap, than with a Nerf Nstrike Raider Rapid Fire CS-35 with 35 dart drum and a Nstrike Recon CS-6 with a little red light bulb.

Yes the boxes state that it’s meant for children, yes the foam darts only go a few feet and it’s a pain in the ass to pick up all the darts afterwards and then spend 30 minutes reloading all the magazines. But with these weapons, the rebels can involve everyone, they can have their war, and then get up afterwards and have sandwiches. This is what war is meant to be, and we thank Hasbro for being part of the solution.

You can even appear manly for photos for posting on your favourite site, like this;

Which is something you cannot really do with real weapons without raising questions by those pesky war crimes tribunals which seem to pop up every now and then.

Now granted, there is a slight concern that the forces of Col. Gaddafi having real weapons which might and we must stress this, might, cause a premature end to the fun. But given that the dictator was claiming his people were under the influence of drugs placed in their coffee, clearly it wouldn’t be that hard to persuade him to buy 5000 N-Strike Stampede ECSes and a couple of Maverick hand guns with those cool whistle darts.

Now friends, every good war needs a soundtrack which will stand the test of time. The Korean War (which is stalled while people went out for ice-cream) we think of the M*A*S*H* theme tune and Rosemary Clooney (probably). The Vietnam War had Sympathy for the Devil and All along the Watchtower to name only a few without looking more up. The 2nd Iraq war started when Gareth Gates (whose stutter was so overused to gain sympathy with the public at the time, he sounded like a malfunctioning machine gun) and The Kumars sang Sprit in the Sky. Doesn’t quite match up.

Lucky for us, Hasbro has the answer.

You get the guns (darts sold separately), they give you the soundtrack;

Yes, Forever The Sickest Kids, a 6 boy/man/not sure band who perform “Whoa-Oh” in NERF’s self described rockin’ TV commercials, will forever be engrained in our minds as the utterly clinical band of the Libyan civil Nerf war. We look forward to waving our safety scissors in the child-safe air to the tune.

And for those of you who cannot possibly wait for the BBC and CNN to report on something the world is now waiting for after we told it to wait for this to begin, an elite team of office workers have put together a simulation of what the Nerf war will look like.

We now return you to your normal internet browsing experience.