For anyone in the world right now, you would easily be forgiven in thinking that the reporters and producers at the 24 hour news channels must be masturbating themselves silly over the events of recent times.

Come on, they’re having a whale of a time!

Uprisings in the Middle east, with now an all star cast of US, UK and French war machines up in the air over Libya, a few earthquakes here and there, and now the ruling party in north Sudan warns that its cyber jihadists will crush internet dissent by throwing Angry Birds at various servers. There’s surely nothing that can top this?!?!?!^&*$£”% and other characters.

Oh my poor fools, lest we forget.

We’re in this together as George Osborn, First Mate of the Exchequer tells us and we cannot forget our fiscal responsibilities, as you clearly know, each cruise missile we’re firing in Libya at the moment (you know, while pretending to care about people dying, while Col. Gaddafi makes fart noises with his armpits) is also costing about £300,000 each.

So we’re going to have to start buying our arms through Ebay in order to save some cash, remembering to use our Visa credit card to get 2% cashback, we can rate the good arms dealers, and right now if we click on “Buy it Now”, HotHornyBombs.org will throw in an air freshener for our war-planes with every missile.

Today was Budget Day in the UK, where First Mate Osborn of the Pirates of the Collation, presented us all with a shiny red box with new delights for all the family. Come for the speech, stay to pay the bill, that’s been pretty much the message of every budget regardless of which political party has been in power over the years.

So this year, we were pretty much going to bear witness to nothing whatsoever, as there was no money in the till apparently for anything of substance, save of course the ant’s fart of £10 million pounds to Comic Relief last week, which was a pretty cheap way of showing that the Government cares on Prime-time television which also technically means that night, all taxpayers had then contributed to charity. Well done us.

So to distract us from other terrible events in the world as it stands and also in order of sexual excitement, let’s have a look at the main headline grabbers of today’s complete waste of time;

Oh dear, that word: postponed. It’s only for a year, and the forecast is at present that we will be in more difficulties for some time to come.

Here’s a picture of some keys to distract you from the fact that it’s gone up by 5p just in March alone….

Which is actually hugely misleading if you just take the above as is, what it actually is the annual 1p above inflation “fuel escalator” rise scrapped until 2015, so basically it’s another delay.

At no point ever, do the oil producers ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever increase prices of fuel to the end consumers for any reason whatsoever. Like instability in any country producing oil, spillages, stock markets, time of the year, someone blowing their nose near a petrol pump etc.

Air Passenger Duty rise will now depart from Gate 5 and will begin boarding in 12 months time, which is only slightly less painful than flying with Ryanair.

2% above inflation rise in excise duties for wine and beer to go ahead, which actually equals 6.4% as it stands from the last update on the Bank of England’s website.

So now we can blame Labour for this. See, it’s someone else’s fault too! Woohoo! Now where’s my bottle of premium adult happy juice, it understands me and makes me feel good.

Which means that we get £45 a year back.

Just think, that entitles a portly gentleman such as myself to have 45 dances at the local porno pound shop / strip bar emporium. If only inflation hadn’t had meant that food, rent and pretty much anything that gets delivered by anything using fuel hadn’t increased already, that the £45 actually means f**k all.

Hooray for businesses paying less! Except for the banks somehow, they will still pay the same level of tax, which for Barclays means they will probably only still pay about £113 million or 1% in corporation tax on profits of £11.6 billion if 2009 was anything to go by.

For new properties in sh*tty areas only, after all who wants those old properties in good areas, they smell of wee and are old. I don’t like old. Old is bad.

Instead of a little bit of growth, we will have instead a littler bit of growth, but it’s still growth god-dammit! However using that line with a woman while trying to get her into bed is not advised.

Well, we plan to have a plan about plans to merge the main taxes together. It would be nicer to make the tax system simpler, it has the potential to put the wonderfully creative legion of accountants out of work who spend their entire lives trying to work out in which offshore account to put people’s money into.

Having watched the latest episodes of V, we can now confirm these zones will in fact by alien spaceship landing pads. Alien invasions are also to get tax breaks in 2015, subject to committee approval.

Unfortunately it’s £50 million each for two potholes on North London due to health and safety regulations and the payments to lawsuits these two potholes caused. The rest of the country will have to wait till 2020 before the one guy with the swirly machine thing comes round.

There was some other stuff about getting young drug users, sorry young people into 40,000 apprenticeships (or very low paid jobs) but all in all, this budget was designed to state that the Pirates of the Collation are right to cut things, we’re doing the best we can, Labour is rubbish, just stick it out and just you wait, it’s all going to be better (in 2015 after the next general election it seems)…probably.

In the meantime, please look at the keys again. Aren’t they pretty….