The wonderful thing about the Metro paper, aside from being useful as toilet paper or indeed a handy blanket for those who find themselves “residentially-challenged”, is that occasionally you get to bear witness to some of the more absurd adverts that seem to be cropping up in this wonderful day and age of ours.

Let’s be fair, when you see adverts for erectile dis-function, aside from laughing a lot and coming up with wonderful witlessness involving “failing to rise to the occasion” and other such obvious jokes, you’re not going to pay too much attention and carry on with your hatred of that gimp playing Angry Birds on their shiny toy sitting next to you, but this advert, was a stroke of both genius and the bizzare which, as such, could not be ignored.

Enter a company called ShytoBuy which opens up with this gambit;

Yep, with a picture of a man being tender and affectionate with a sexy lady, they have the tagline: “Your online store for embarrassing conditions”, oh yes, I’m sure we can all see that these two virile looking people would have issue with the art of the beast with two backs. Or perhaps we are missing something here? After all, we’re not entirely sure what the manly man with the embarrassing problem is saying here.

The problem is….there’s just so many different things to choose from;

Feel free to continue making up new and exciting phrases that he could say, after all it is for an on-line store for embarrassing conditions. Perhaps even the lady could join in with her issues? But for now, let us return to rest of the advert and continue scrolling down the page.

The first product on the conveyor belt today is the “KegelMaster”, a product for the ladies, which promises to combat bladder problems, but also has the upside of improving sensitivity. Wow, better control your toilet habits while getting off. We all know women are unable to stop themselves p*ssing while having sex, so I ask you, what more can a woman ask for? Well believe it or not, you’re right, you want more so we’ll see what we can do for you ladies later on.

We all know that adding a laser to anything instantly makes it better. Who can forget the laser drill, the laser fridge, the laser shoes and laser quest? Well now brace for impact of the naughty kind, a Laser comb!?!?!

Yes friends, you too can now comb your hair while saving yourself from the bad guys on the bad streets. Although this laser comb can also help you to stay harder for longer. We’re not kidding, it says so in the first line of the product description! But does it mean that your hair stays harder for longer?

This is the device that James Bond could only dream off; “Now pay attention double-o seven, think this is just a comb? It is in fact a laser that also keeps you hard in times of crisis.” Gee whiz, Q and the Q lab boys have done it again!

But now dear friends, for those suffering from shy-cock we have new MaxSize!

It slices, it dices, it’s….mint flavoured. Yes dear friends, this is designed to be rubbed on the holy sword of vengeance to ensure it’s stronger for longer, not ingested, which means your eager-to-please parter’s mouth will be minty fresh as she swall…..err, never mind.

And finally, we promised something more for the female gender and our last product will not disappoint.

Ladies, are you tired of seeing others with bigger, fuller breasts? Do you want to make yourself more of a sex object to be oglied by men and possibly women? Do you want “confidence”?

Then you need to board the CC Fabulous Breast to pirate your way to a bounty worth plundering by any scallywag on the seven seas!

All this from an online store which says “buy online with confidence” Failing that, some form of credit card would do. Though, if you are suffering from various problems, the last thing you’re going to be doing is strolling confidently down the street and telling everyone you’re suffering major problems in the joy department.

Then again we do live in a modern age.