More often than not the news focuses on the subject matter that will cause outrage, with that in mind, here are some comments on recent events with little focus nor knowledge of the subject at hand, just like the major news networks do it.

Snow destroys mankind

More important than the building tension round Korea, Snow came to the UK and just like every other time it occurs, our little corner of the globe panics. Jesus Christ, people were not getting their post on time, nor being able to go shopping. Roads were closed, planes were forced to stay on the ground and all the while people were annoyed that once again, cold weather occurred during winter time.

Oh why can’t we continue with everything as normal, when other countries cope with various things etc. Actually the question to ask is, why as human beings are we annoyed so much when our daily routine is basically blown apart by things beyond our control?

There were countless examples of this during the recent tube strikes down in the capital when people were flabbergasted on how they were going to rush into work (Yes people were concerned with going to work, whereas most people would do anything for some time away from pushing buttons for a living, here it came up and all anyone could do was p*ss and moan about it all). Granted those in jobs where you have to clock in and out for would be the most affected, and therefore have every reason to be upset, but in these situations, you would hope that sanity would prevail and they would not get wages docked.

One would hope. Then again one would hope that that eating certain Indian food wouldn’t inflame your arsehole to the point it feels like molten lava was coming out. But as the vast majority of those rushing about are on annual salaries and therefore do not have to worry about such matters. For once, can we just accept things don’t happen all the time the way we want and move on?

Student protests at having to pay more for things

For the first time ever, students got out of bed, missing countless hours of daytime TV, pot noodles and dressing in binbags to look fashionable in order show their opposition to planned spending cuts to whatever passes for education these days and an increase of the cap on tuition fees by the comedy coalition currently in power at the time of writing.

Student groups said that the intended cuts to education were excessive and broke campaign promises made by politicians (which has never happened before ever, which is even more shocking than what people do with butt-plugs), amounting to what they said as “attempts to force society to pay for a crisis it didn’t cause.”

The first major demonstration occurred on 10 November with approximately 30,000 to 52,000 people with nothing better to do attending the demonstration on the streets of central London. Because no-one blinked after various things were smashed in, notably people’s heads, further protests were held with students holding rallies and occupying The Tories castle and university buildings, which they would have normally been in, had they attended, like, lessons.

Of course the sporadic acts of violence and vandalism were mainly reported by the news as that was more interesting to watch; protesters and police officers alike were injured, and in some cases hospitalised. You could only ask for better scenes of drama from Jerry Springer breaking apart angry midgets with curious sexual diseases.

In one incident, a car with Prince Charles and his horse Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, was attacked on Regent Street. The pictures that came out just looked like Camilla had been told that Charles was going to divorce her.

In addition, it seems that all the ruckus achieved nothing, as the vote to increase the cap was passed, and once again the future of the government was questioned till Dave Cameron’s keys were dangled in front of us with soothing noises and we ceased to care once more.

Whether or not it actually makes a difference to the numbers going to Uni to get drunk and taking degrees in subjects which have nothing to do with anything they will do as a job afterwards remains to be seen until 2012, at which point the world ends again anyway.

Wikileaks shocks people by telling people what they already know

The newly controversial site known as Wikileaks proceeded to scare the sh*t out of all manners of authority the world over by getting hold of some communications and then letting people see them.

Remarkably this has prompted many organisations to begin distancing themselves from the site, such as pulling out funding, arresting the guy with the dodgy name Julian Assange behind the site for sex offences and pretty much his name will become Julian Broken-Assange if he stays in prison longer than ten minutes.

The main thing is that really all that’s been released so far is stuff that will not really come as a huge shock to people. It’s been out on the web for some time if you knew where to look.

In case you had no clue at all, the Catholics have been involved in doing naughty, The US don’t get on well with France, China is bored with Korea as is the rest of us, The Russians run everything like the Mafia, and pretty much everyone in the world is a bitch behind closed doors.

However there was one really funny bit; Burma’s military junta considered making a $1bn bid to buy Manchester United around the time the regime faced UN censure over its slow response to cyclone Nargis in 2008.

That would be a whole new dimension to the world of football; “Fail to score against Chelsea and you will die by my hand.” Maybe that policy should be in place anyway….If you want to keep up with all the best bits so far, just have a butchers here

And that’s the news, oh dear, it appears that Helen’s coming from underneath the desk with more bad news, she’s pregnant again. Join us next time when we aim to write better material by smearing poo on an old man’s face.