Come on, why bother? At this point, the Harry Potter franchise will have pissed out so much money on J?K Rowling herself, the ending of it all could have just been, after killing the bad guys, they go to work in Asda where their magic was used to help people find fish on Aisle 5 and everyone wouldn’t have blinked.

Maybe because Warner Brothers need the cash to buy that country they’ve always wanted, we find ourselves hurtling towards the last of the hugely popular Hairy Armpit books only to find that it has been split into two parts, which in a strange sort of way already puts you in the position of knowing you’re going to have to wait to find out what happens later, unless you’ve read the book already of course, in which case, see you all at the checkouts.

But for those of us who have not taken the time to open a book in the last 50 years, we’re hanging on for dear life to find out what happens to Hairy Pothead, Ron Wiggles(The Ginger answer to Wesley Snipes, naturally….) and Heroin Granger, the biggest smart-arse known to exist, who let’s be fair, we’d all like to see stuck in a British Gas call centre in India, trying to explain how your gas bill actually gets calculated.

Despite having an excellent start to the series as a whole, progressively the films have been making less and less sense than throwing a welcome home party for a corpse. The sad part of all this, is that Part 1 of the deathly bollocks started out with a fair amount of promise which would have possibly changed this trend.

In the opening few scenes, we catch old Heroin (Emma Watson, who these days looks in real life like a stick with a nice head sellotaped on it) waving a wand at her parents, only not to make them turn into giant nipples, but erasing herself from their memories.

Hairy is in danger, still having the trace on him, which must be a secret smell only paedophiles can smell. So the gang comes round to take Hairy to a safe house, with the clever bit being a decoy scheme involving everyone turning into Harry lookalikes – something that becomes concerning when seven Daniel Radcliffes appear on screen taking their clothes off.

Guess that horse bothering stint really changed him…

We even get to see the league of evil assemble to hear the evil lord Volvomart plan to ambush and kill Harry Potter, and to that end, summoned a bunch of Happy Eaters to take care of the business at hand.

Just as it feels like it’s getting going, with a breakup of a wedding party and our heroes wandering around the cleanest version of London I’ve ever seen, waving wands round like guns, which is all they seem to be in this film, it seems this is too much action for us to take, and therefore it’s time for a jolly nice sit-down and a cup of tea. For basically the rest of the film.

With all the silliness going on, the main characters end up hiding in a variety of places, with the hottest action coming from a tent, and therefore you get the sense that you’re pretty much missing out on something else, maybe a car chase with Jeremy Clarkson driving a Bugatti away from the Happy Eaters while making another joke about Lorry drivers killing prostitutes.

We even get more nude action when Hairy goes swimming for a sword which looks like it was found in a pound shop, and yet somehow can destroy something important which then will leave Volvomart dead or something.

Oh and least we forget the melodrama which comes out of nowhere for about 5 minutes where everyone falls out with each other and then makes up later. It was if someone had slipped something in our drink, and we woke up in an alleyway with a sore arse! What the hell?!?!

In some ways though, you could be forgiven that far from being the saviour of all wizard kind, Hairy Pothead all the way through this epic saga has just been led around by his nosehairs from one disaster after another, with not a clue of what is going on.

In fact, The deathly Hoovers: Part 1 seems to show this the most, and to be honest, you just wonder if there is someone else who could sort things out. Like Rambo. Bugger these wands, let’s see how you f**kers do against a mini-gun.

The film also finds an excuse to show off lots of characters from the previous films for no reason, giving you lots of “Oh, that’s whatshisname, who did something before” and there is little screentime left for anything other than the hot better-than-sex tent based goings on. Though Helena-Bohnam-Carter seems to be having been sniffing glue too much, judging from her performance in all this…

A lot of the various scenes seems disconnected from the storyline if you can figure out what the hell is meant to be going on in the first place, and perhaps it’s demonstrating more clearly that not all books translate well into the film world. Like that epic indie flick, “Yellow Pages 2: Look under F for F**ked.”

There are a few good moments from the film which do give you pause for thought, and indeed do make you jump, but given the amount of time I spent wondering when it would be over so I could drink myself silly to forget everything, Part 1 is about as scary and adventurous as drinking a cup of soup.

Who knows how Part 2 will shape up given the set-up here….