Given the fact that I’ve been missing, presumed dead after all this time, with only choice nuggets of news here and there, it seems rather appropriate that the next post I actually do write, contains scenes of horror, woe and tips on how not to get your brains eaten. No, it doesn’t involve doing your taxes.

“Paul, you magnificent bas****d!” I hear you cry, “how can I get through life without worrying about writing “Oh boy, was I suckered?” with my intestines while some cheery fellow munches away on that brain I was saving for a rainy day, what we can do about it?” Well my friends, I’m proud to be informing you of a way to find out.

Now, I first learned of this bunch of vagabonds from a copy of SFX in the UK, and because it sounded so bizarre, twisted, and yet still better than the Best Of Chris Moyles on Radio 1 podcast, I started to download them and listen.

And by jove I’m glad I did. I even remarked on the thing on the twitter feed, and you all know how lazy I am to do that sort of thing these days….

What makes it worse or better, is that the whole thing also spawned a tie-in book that is being launched nationally by Allison & Busby on 1st August this year: Dr Dale’s Zombie Dictionary : The A-Z Guide to Staying Alive. Better than getting another bloody book on how to cook food from Asda in overly-difficult and possibly life-threatening ways by the Smith of Delia….

How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse : RELOADED (not that crap Matrix reloaded rubbish so no worries there) presents us with an interesting question. How to make a second show that actually is not only better than the first which debuted at the Edinburgh Fringe last year, but also doesn’t infringe copyright law?

Well not the last bit (and that was waiting for a done to death joke), but the first part is a good question. It has to be not only educational but follow simple sequel rules like not having those slow walking away from explosion moments, not have a script smelling like a used nappy, remember it’s core values and still only work with a budget of £17.40.

This year I reckon they can. So do they, hence the show!

You see, not only will you learn how to survive the inevitable fight to the death with a select bunch of friends, knowing one of them will get infected at some point, you will actually get the chance to find out how prepared you are…..cue scary organ music in your head as this is text and thus silent.

Now if they could only come with with a tagline better than “Who says sequels are a bad thing?” or “Brain Destruction Guaranteed.”

How about “Buy one get one free” or “This time, the badgers are rising….” Zombie Badgers, we’d all be in trouble then. Maybe that’s one for the next show; “How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse: That one which is miles better than Scary Movie”

So I say to you fellow campers out there on t’internet, if you are around bonnie Scotland at any point you can get tickets to the show which will be on at the Zoo Southside 6th – 29th August (not 17th & 24th, not sure why, maybe they are just wasting time eating KFC) with the show kicking off at 7.45pm

Pricing is £8 or £6 depending on how you look and of course how could I not be a shameless promoter without mentioning the website: www.howtosurviveazombieapocalypse.co.uk Go there and all your answers shall be revealed.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes I am a sell-out whore.

Dr. Dale promised me a ice lolly for this and who am I to turn such a thing down. Look, I’ve already know we fat people are the first to go when the zombies come, so eff it, I’m getting some while the goings good!