So much time has passed and so much has happened. Iceland’s volcanic ash grounding planes, the General Election being called, and Sainsbury’s have finally started doing decent jacket potatoes on lunchtime. But first, I actually have gotten round to writing about something I should have done a long time ago, as usual, nothing to do with events of great importance.

Back in the ancient days of 2009, May in fact, there was a certain posting on here about the fact that I was trying Internet Dating for a month and it was due to a few factors, people had suggested it and well I had figured it was cheaper than going out every night, dressing like something from a GAP advert, but looking like something that was the star in 50’s sci-fi horror films.

Well that fell by the wayside along with other things, and then the site I tried before was trying an extended offer, therefore offering another cheap opportunity to reinvestigate and see what the fuss was about and of course, see if indeed it is a place to contact women in a better way, once in which fat clumps like myself has a chance.

Enter Match.com (with scary Scooby Doo music…)

This is one of the original sites, though it appears there are no end of new sites that have popped up, including one where your friends can stitch you up for show like the pieces of rotten meat we all are. Now you notice that they boost that lots of people now are leaving as couples….oh do they?

So I stuck with this one for the purpose of this, and proceeded to sort out the thing that would sell me to the desperate world.

To say I didn’t spend that much time on the thing would be an understatement. I chose random pictures of me from the blog to use, along with the ye olde Ironing picture from Canary Wharf, as a way of showing, Look at me, look how funny I am, even though you get better laughs from collecting belly button fluff.

That will sell me very well.

My advert words were not entirely original either as they have been hanging around in a similar fashion on this very website’s about page:

The Lord of Leisure desires a lady of leisure.
My Name is Hughes, the self-proclaimed Lord of Leisure, and I’m putting myself out there for the ladies to assess my potential.

Hmm, how to write about myself without sounding like a swear-word….I’m a happy go lucky man who likes to have a laugh, seeing new and exciting things, and meeting new and interesting people, who may not go with the tried and tested usual gumph that most seem to want to stick to when they meet people.

As far as the old hobbies go, I enjoy writing on various blogs, which we all know are little pads on the web where people write huge amounts of nonsense which no-one in their right minds would ever care about. Such topics of discussion on those tombs of the silly include; my pet Fluffy’s trip to the gynaecologist, Why cheese should never be used to fuel a car and where on earth is Carman Santiago?

As I am a lemming who loves throwing himself off the cliff of fads and trends on a regular basis, why not add something slightly better to the internet to take up some space from those viagra adverts, free webcam sessions with ladies incapable of dressing themselves and promises of gold from Nigeria?

If I were to be honest, the world would explode. No, wait….I guess I’m struggling to write something which would be standing out on a dating website, to show people who I am and what I am, and I would wanting to meet up, talk about subjects of the day over a overly complicated coffee drink and take it from there.

So I guess right now, if this small amount of text has peaked your interest, send me a message! Mind you, can someone also explain what bubbly actually is supposed to mean? You can be used as a cleaning device? I don’t know, such things confuse and enrage, then I have a cup of tea and all is right once more.

After that was all cleared, by what is I’m sure some bored f**ker in an office just checking for swear words, I proceeded to start looking for victims. It was really straight forward to start stalking and there are countless numbers out there, even back where I used to live in Shropshire.

Now, I suppose this is just people trying to look their best but it seems there were somewhat alarming consistencies….

• All women now are keep fit fanatics, my, since when were we all so obsessed with walking up mountains, swimming the Atlantic or bugger it, let’s all leap tall buildings in a single bound. If I get out of bed, that’s an achievement these days.
• They are bubbly, what the f**k does that mean, does that mean they burst at some point, can be used for cleaning things? What does this actually mean?!?!?
• They need loyalty, well not a new concept, but one wonders how burned a lot of these women are.
• Next thing, let’s all list hobbies which are “out there” and places they’ve been to, if anything they only mention the most faraway places, as in to say, yes we know about the world and look how much we can spend. I did it myself afterwards, even though I had been to Canada only once ten years ago.
• They have either never heard of books, or apparently have read every known classic to exist.
• Despite listing all their fun to do, it seems that either everyone loves going out to the cinema or staying in with a DVD and wine.

Well, excuse me, but I think you’ll find that’s not a huge push. Could it be that no-one actually wants to say, that most of the time they do nothing and then attempt to sound far more interesting than they actually am?
• How many teachers are on there? Must be a timesaver for them too with all their holidays and marking….
• Their ideal date has a sense of humour, happy to fly anywhere in the world at two seconds notice, overly romantic to the point of being sickening, and also happens to be the world’s strongest millionaire. Well, that’s me pretty much buggered.

Now to be fair there are some fantastically beautiful women on the site, from all over the place, and to be honest you wonder exactly why they are on there in the first place, everyone I suspect has their reasons, most of them bad. But I also suspect there is plenty of money being made as a result of people’s misery.

You can list for free, but truly to contact anyone you have to pay through the nose on Match.com and that can have an effect on who actually gets in touch. At least that is what I am telling myself as I’ve had no responses. None, nothing, natter, zilch, nil points, eff all. There have been profile views of course, but that means nothing at this stage.

Either when I pop up in the old web browser, it turns out I’m actually the creature from Predator which induces vomit from the ladies (something perhaps to add to the profile), or simply no-one is willing to pay for the service to correspond, which kind of defeats the whole lot from start to finish, and then perhaps places the emphasise on people who are willing to pay an extra 10 pounds on top of the monthly charge to let people chat to them.

Even on the internet, people are cheap…or perhaps as well, showing how truly shallow we as human beings are. Given we can just look through pages and move on quickly, I guess that can show what we truly are after, is a bit of crumpet that looks good, and if they have a personality, we can work around that.

So in short, the whole lot has been so far a dismal failure, for one or none of the reasons given in this post. Perhaps there will be the one hit, but right now, the only thing I can say is Internet Dating is crap. Unless you fit every woman’s fantasy, in which case, you wouldn’t be on the websites anyway. Saggy balls.