And in the distant past, the past where this film review was greatly promised and then disappeared, a great event occurred and lo, the people were happy, with some other people happy as they were able to get it on the Internet before we mere mortals viewed at the cinema. And let’s be fair they probably did the right thing downloading as they then saved the money for smack.

Now for the rest of us, sit back and cry along to the train wreak that was:

XXX-Men Orgasm: Wolverhampton

(The above image made me think of far too many captions, I had to stop after half an hour and move on…)

Hmm, not a overly good start to call a film a train wreck before you even start writing, but allow me to explain.

You see, Huge Jackiechan hasn’t really had a film by himself as the main fella since that film with Kate Beckinsale with the dodgy accent and really tight corset…what that film again, all I’m remembering is Kate…err…and the stage was really set to have a film dedicated to one of the best characters in the X-rated film trilogy, how he grew up to be a real boy, and then kick some arse or three in the process.

The trailer looked good enough, people looking angry and bitch-fighting, things exploding, some over-the-top oh my god music, and the premise of one man doing everything that clearly should real-life ever come into it, he would be dead before he had a chance to fart his plan for revenge out.

Problem was as with quite a number of films that came before this epic, the trailer was better than the film itself.

Basic storyline, for it is basic, Wolverhampton and his brother who happens to be a bloke with claws, fangs and a bad temper called SabreThing, go through a set of happenings in the first few minutes which show them surviving wars, naughty people, and something else before being offered to be with other special people shooting and larking about the place.

(Same with this one, just too many things to think of. They really should think about releasing fewer film stills where the characters look constipated.)

Wolverhampton doesn’t want to do naughty any more so wanders off, gets a girl, becomes a lumberjack who isn’t gay, and all is good. Then the people he wandered off from kill the woman he loves, then hijinks aplenty occur all leading off in a nice bow which just so happens to make sure that the events of X-Men 1 aren’t pissed all over.

Skipping past most of what actually happens because let’s be fair, it’s not worth mentioning, as the film does a pretty good job of skipping past a lot of the potential good story parts like the wars, and then skims wonderfully over Huge’s ideal life before making him the bloke with the kitchen cutlery hanging out of his hands and then making him fight various people until a couple of buildings are destroyed. Roll credits, job’s done.

The main villain Stryker makes about as much sense as a japenese instruction manual, as he plans to wipe Wolverine’s memory at one point but only after he’s been turned into a super human with metal inside him, and bugger me, he even brings out a gun which can magically make Wolverine forget things if you fire at his head. Which you would have thought would have been mentioned way before, but nope, here it is for all to see now.

He behaves like a little bastard at all times, yet people still trust till he twiddles his moustache, kills them and flies off in his hot air ballon, all the while we think “No wonder he’s dead, no wonder she’s dead….”

All of this lead to the point the film was a crying shame as it had so much potential and I actually enjoyed parts of it, including SabarTooth played by some fella whose name I can’t spell without referring to IMDB.

Some mutants were introduced and forgotten quickly like Scott with the bad eyes, and Gambit who could for some reason as well as throw cards that explode, fly a plane and be very helpful.

There was even a mutant introduced that would have been kick ass in the earlier films as the ultimate weapon, but that didn’t even last that long. Damn.

At the end of the day, it’s designed to be watched without a brain, don’t look at the plot holes and spelling errors that clearly went into this, and laugh at the point they try to make Patrick Stewart look like he was in his twenties. Camera was more fudged than the 2000 US election.

Come on Huge, you’re a good actor, you’d be better off elsewhere now mate.