While other things are afoot, it’s about time the text from the review on the last podcast was placed on the Internet with countless pictures used

This month for the choice of game on Gamer’s Corner from episode 2 of the podcast, it was a rather difficult affair to decide over, The Witcher was going to be reviewed but has been put on hold pending the release of the fancy dancy version which seemingly fixes everything I found to be wrong with the game.

Assassin’s Creed on PC just arrived in the post so that was out of the question unless I nicked the Tardis and jumped forward 3 weeks.

So that didn’t leave that many games to destroy in a audio shelling, with most of my time has been spent typing for endless days so this month, it’s a retrospective review about a game which so many adored for different reasons and yet despised by a fair few too:

Bioshock
Paul, you resplendent superstar of knowledge, surely reviewing a game that came out August last year is silly considering the world has moved on since then, what about Sam and Max Season 2: Episode 4, Sins of a Solar Empire, Spooking Jehovah’s Witnesses by opening the front door holding a blood stained knife and shouting “WHAT?”

Well that’s a fair comment, I cannot deny that Bioshock may be last year’s news and to keep it dragging out from the retirement home to dance for us is surely going to bring the wrath of social services for not treating the old girl right, but Sam and Max, the gameplay doesn’t really change much and I would end up spoiling the story because I can’t help myself, even now I want spoil the ending by saying that it was the butler that did it….oops.

And as for Sins of a solar empire, I have only just got a copy of the game after being paid my £7.20 for the month and by all accounts from people masturbating over the game, it takes roughly 78 years to finish a game, and at the present moment the time simply isn’t there.

Besides occasionally it’s rather healthy to re-examine a game after the hype has all died away, was it as good as we all thought it was. There’s also the added argument of patches which fix issues and add content here and there, which actually when you come to think about it, That sums up most games these days, with that scallywag the Witcher taking pole position, has the core of what made the game been changed in anyway and is the replayablity there? (yes, I know, another ability word there, campers, see that Uni course is teaching me a lotablity.) And lastly I haven’t reviewed it before so why not?

So Bioshock then, for those who have a life, busy performing illegal acts with the gender of your choice and afterwards spend time laughing at YouTube videos that show dogs set on fire, I’ll explain what the story is in simple terms:

It’s about a man who has a bit of a bad day after a plane crashes then winds up in an society gone horribly wrong. Two people don’t like each other, you’re used, you fight back, beat up little kids and inject yourself with so many needles that the police surely should be knocking on your door asking if that’s really a prescription from your doctor. Ok that’s an oversimplification.

The battleground for your pwn-pwning is Rapture, a Butlins holiday camp underwater created by Andrew Ryan who had enough of society as a whole (and as it stands, I think a lot of people share that same feeling about today’s lovely mess we live in, but let’s crack on)

It seems a substance known as ADAM (although I suspect it’s named otherwise by the amount of spam I get about it) has turned the citizens into a bunch of demented naughty people who seem to want to kill only you when you peer around the door, waving and smiling, hoping to make a few friends and have a chat over a pot of tea.

Yes, its genetics gone mad again, when will they ever learn, haven’t they seen the sixth day staring Govonator Arnnie? Actually if they haven’t it’s probably for the best…

But as with all FPS, you don’t play with kittens and feed the homeless, you shoot things, so what have we got in Bioshock with a big bullseye painted on them for you to destroy?

Well, in truth, not many. The variety of the enemies is a bit lax in this department. Because it was the human population taking ADAM, They are all still basically human at the core with messed up faces and slightly different attributes. But seeing as different levels of ADAM gives different effects, you will be introduced to one type of enemy walking on the ceiling then dropping down to do a few cartwheels to show off to their mum and dad at the school sports day, another group has discovered nice things which have a habit of exploding.

And finally, another group of people have watched The Illusionist (perhaps because of Jessica Biel, and who can blame them) and started to perform vanishing then re-appear slightly further away tricks, which has you running around silly trying to get them. Which, despite the way I’ve described the bad guys and their nasty habits, is a good thing. It kept me moving and aiming trying to stay half a millimetre ahead of the game.

But as for the rest of the evil doers, it seems they ran out of money for ADAM, not really having magic powers and therefore just want to charge at you and either shoot you with a nice gun or hit you with a jolly big stick, perhaps upset that ADAM never even sorted them out with enlarged genitals to impress the girl baddies.

The one major enemy that’s 100% different to the normal citizens is the big daddy, whose name unfortunately does conjure up a reference to a 1960’s porn film. These lumbering beasts who protect possessed little girls who enjoy stabbing corpses with large needles, will charge at you dealing huge damage and can be hard to take down early on. Some have a Black and Decker drill on one arm, others have a bolt gun, either way they can be taken down in no time if all you do is keep firing and setting them on fire…heh heh.

Bioshock is a first person shooter available on PC and the Xbox 360, which means it’s better on the PC in terms of controls, for example to change a weapon on the PC you use the mouse wheel and right button together with a number on the keyboard for great success, all while still avoiding the hooligans who want to rearrange your face to resemble a Picasso painting.

The Xbox 360 however, you have either just cycle through with a button until you get the right one, or pause the game to allow you to select what you want which is kind of bad in terms of pulling you out of the bang bang and make people cry bit, making it all ever so less immersive. Picky I know, but I still get to say Hahahahaha etc.

And to the game’s credit, there are a few ways you can deal with the horde of evil-doers, you have your guns and grenades, or you have special genetic abilities which are picked up as you go along, such as “Winter Blast”, the ability to freeze your opponent where he/she stands, “Incinerate”, which sets them on fire, or “Emasculate”, when used, the bad guys end up feeling rotten about themselves. (Ok, that last one isn’t there, but it would be fun to have though!)

How you use these are up to you and offers some variety in dealing with the baddies, as does the helpful tonics which boost your character no end that towards the end of the game, Superman would have trouble dealing with you.

The security system (ha ha, I hear the people who have played the game say, he’s mentioned the security system at last) seems a wee bit too futuristic considering the time setting and the fact that Rapture has been cut off from the real world with any advances they had made, and if the hacking mini game allowed anyone to come along and alter things to be more friendly to them, surely all the citizens would have their own turrets following them everywhere, but this is being a wee bit too picky.

What I will be picky over, is the main boss type people, it seems that they aren’t really pumped up in any way and therefore the few shots and burning sensation they get from you is more than enough to sort them out. They are depicted as being important aspects as to how Rapture and the principles Andrew Ryan laid about no-one being constrained by governments to perform their work, but then after a scene where they show their deranged selves, you feel it’s meant to be harder.

I mentioned the little girls earlier, these little sisters collect ADAM from bodies for some reason and it’s you job to either kill them for lots of ADAM in return or save them for not as much ADAM, but then you get other plasmids and more ADAM as gifts later on.

It’s a moral choice in a game where morality is left far behind in pursuit of perfecting ideas, and depending on which path you chose changes the end of them game, of which you are firmly evil or firmly good. If you kill one little sister, you will get the bad ending.

Paul, you insert random comment about your manliness here, kill little girls, that’s a bit off isn’t it? And yes it is, but in fairness to 2K, that is never shown in any detail, and considering how gruesome the rest of the game is, surely that’s a well made decision?

The graphics are extremely well done and serve to show the city in its full run-down glory, the water effects are superbly done and all credit to the design team for creating things of the 1940’s era but twisting to fit the environment here. This was the first game to really bump up the minimum requirements for running the game well, and frankly I’ve slated that kind of behaviour already for others, so we’re not going into that more here.

For the really scary parts, I’m afraid the award for making you change your nappies has to fall to the sound, the high pitched violins, the crazy talk by another former happy person about times past all leaves you with a sense of dread, which for a game is excellent.

The story is there, but you have to look for it at times and frankly if you don’t then it’s a bit of a waste of time playing the game, just fire up generic shooter 56 if that’s all you want, there are handy audio diaries around, and the key moments with Atlas and Andrew Ryan are among some of the most compelling and thought-provoking you will ever see.

However, this game has been done before. Sorry, but for all it’s polish, story, design, details, sound and graphical excellence, It’s basically System Shock 2 which can run on modern equipment. I’m not the first to compare it with that past game and certainly not the last, and perhaps because we know what System Shock 2 was about and what that included, Bioshock sort of stumbles around like a stand-up comic trying to find a joke to entertain the crowd while they falling asleep. And forgive me, but isn’t genetics gone wrong getting old? I do also have an issue with the fact that the guy you play will inject himself with anything regardless of whether or not it’s a good idea.

The extra plasmids given in the patch have added one or two extra bits to play with and having the widescreen view is a welcome addition as I am one of those arse holes who sold other people’s stuff to get one of those screens, but once you’ve been through Bioshock, the only reason to go back into it going to be with one of those people who feel compelled to relive those classics moments in the game, otherwise it’s back down the local boozer destroying your life in other ways.

Or is there another reason? It’s at this point I have to mention a feature that may have been an unintended bonus. During the playback of Bioshock, I had shown the lady friend what the fuss was all about as the art style had intrigued her, or it could have been the simple fact that she was humouring me before telling me to do something useful like boiling socks.

But when she first saw the bad guys melted faces and heard their deranged mutterings, she was utterly disgusted and felt ill, she immediately asked what kind of people created this game? So Ken Levine, what kind of person are you to create this? Why didn’t you feature someone drowning puppies as well that would have really made her thrown up…. heh heh.

So the unexpected bonus feature of this game is that if you want some free time to yourself, tell the other half you’re playing Bioshock and they’ll leave you alone.

So in summery, Bioshock is:

· Detailed very well

· Sound particularly is superb and excels in scaring you half to death.

· Replay is limited though if you do, you may unexpectedly free up time from the lady friend which was a surprise.

· Story is compelling and well executed, but you need to keep looking for those audio diaries to make it worthwhile.

· Not many different bad guys really.

· Bosses are weak.

· Runs well on high specs, not for the faint hearted low specs.

· Controls are good.

· Not much choice in routes taken to get to the end

· The Harvest of the little sisters affects the ending, though only two possible outcomes.

· It’s been done before by System Shock 2

· Patch added a couple of good bits but maybe not enough to bring you back.

So is Bioshock still worth playing and is it worth the hype. If you’ve never played System Shock 2, oh dear god yes. If you want a rich story that questions morality and twists like you never expect, yes, if you want extra fine creative detail in the looks and sound departments, indeed yes. For everything else, I’m afraid not.

So using the utterly useless 1-10 system with with 1 being the equivalent of telling your best friend you’ve had his sister while 10 being the equivalent of having your wicked way with sexy triplets and the score of 12 being reserved for games of unquestionable perfection, I hereby award Bioshock:

Granted it’s linear, not an awful lot in terms of original features that hasn’t been in games before and only truly effective the first time you play, but it’s so well executed you can’t help but feel you get your money’s worth.

If you would like a particular game reviewed instead of the Lord of Leisure reviewing seemingly only good games then why not drop a line to podcast@oohsometimes.com