He was right. It wasn’t that good, but at least I didn’t fall asleep during the events that occurred before my very eyes and afterwards I actually wondered what the rest would be like.

The problem was before the events of last night, I was armed with prior knowledge that my good friend, Mr. Logan from sunny Wales has previous experience with the thing in question and he wasn’t overly thrilled with it himself, you have to be in the “Fantasy” mindset to enjoy.

Before any more confusion sets in, let me you assure you all that the object of the moment was none other than the film, The Golden Compass which is currently at the local cineplexsuperuberwooperscreen building near you, unless you live on a deserted tropical island or some such, in which case I have to ask, how have you got internet access and can actually read this?

Leaving that bizarre mystery to one side, it is most certainly a kids film and I have the mind of a 3 year old, so I’m already in the child-like state and therefore properly equipped to harp on about it like some old retired window cleaner telling the unfortunate nephew about the time he cleaned a window that was big.

The Golden Compass is the first of three films, just like the books by some bloke I’ve never heard of, and is set on a parallel world where people and their souls walk about beside them, having a chat about various things like shopping and the weather, while under the thumb of the evil empire from Star Wars, who has just undergone a PR rebranding exercise and are now called the Magisterium. They only want what’s best for everyone and that seems to be no free will and rule everything in existence.

Sounds fair.

Anyway, James Bond (or Daniel Craig, whichever you prefer) plays Lord Ariel Ultra, a man determined to prove there are other worlds because he captured a picture of a man with dust flowing to him. Dust is a bad thing, because not only will it make certain people sneeze, if the existence of dust is proven once and for all, the stories from the Aquarium will be all lies, and society would change forever.

Enter Liar, the main star of the film who seems has been watching Mary Poppins too many times and taken what Dick Van Dyke says and made it her own. She’s wilful and likes running around, and probably lots of other things like kids do these days, although it must be said, not once she ask anyone to buy fags from the shop. So already a 1000% improvement.

She does save James Bond from being killed right at the start and therefore already has fortune going for her. Turns out that they are related and he wants her safe and not to think about dust, before James heads off to the north to prove he’s right about Dust and the other bits of naughty.

Along afterwards comes the woman who did naughty with Tom Cruise before he went and did naughty with the one from Dawson’s Creek, all slimy and pantomime-ish and takes Liar away to go to the north, only to delay her because Liar is given a golden compass, I haven’t a clue what the name is, so from here on in it’s called a thermometer. The thermometers were all destroyed because they tell the person who looks at it, and then watches the special effects the truth about anything they so choose.

The evil empire from Star Wars, I mean, the Magisterium destroyed them all and want the thing for themselves so it turns out the woman who did naughty with Tom Cruise before he went and did naughty with the one from Dawson’s Creek, works for them and therefore we have someone to hate. Oh Dear.

Along the way, children get kidnapped, some boat people help Liar to go to the north, we meet Sam Elliot and a bear that was getting pissed on Whiskey because he had no armour. Throw in various battle scenes, one really cool scene with the bears with an Indiana Jones style finish, some danger where we almost lose the main star, some more fighting and you’ve pretty much got the first film all wrapped up and delivered just in time for Christmas.

I may have glazed over most of the film but I guess not having read or even heard of the books until now, I may have missed much of the story because it seems you are just pushed from one moment to the next, I’m guessing at which you go “oh I know that bit from the book.” Well perhaps when I do get to reading the trilogy, I’ll get what’s going on slightly better.

It was a good film in terms of effects but what isn’t these days, and rather oddly I wondered why the main character was getting so much attention from so many as well it appears everyone just falls over themselves to join her while she has that thermometer thing. But then again we need a hero, and she actually does fit the bill towards the end so it appears we’ll have more in store for the next two films.

The idea about the souls walking with people, with the kids ones changing shape while they are young is actually rather neat and I think you could actually do a lot with just that on its own. During the battles, you know when someone’s gone to meet the big man, woman or fruit in the sky as the sprit disintegrates, sort of bring home the fact that they’re not play acting and will just stand up, shouting “Only Kidding!”.

But there are a couple of small problems I have, first James Bond is hardly in the damn thing, and after the frankly fantastic job he did with Casino Royale, I wanted to see what he would do in this. Not a lot it seems. Again, it maybe a precursor to the next two where he destroys an entire army using the trusted Aston Mar….I mean, errrr…his lordly washing powder… I haven’t a clue.

Second, I kept thinking of Star Wars for two bits of the film (Luke, I am your father springs to mind, and those who have seen the film who now know exactly what bit I mean, hell I expected her to sound like James Earl Jones after!) and the evil empire who wants to rule all and not have any doubts out there that they are right. Apparently this is all religious b*****ks if you read about the books and film on t’internet and that’s why there is a fuss.

Who actually cares?

Third, Witches, what are they there for again? aside from the fact that Eva Green is acting as one of the witches, and fair play that’s not a entirely bad reason. 🙂

And lastly, stop just dropping things in the film to explain bits which seem really important but then is just cast aside as it is rubbish. Oh, btw the way Lord Ariel Ultra’s alright, he built a secret lab and had a shave while you were all fighting. Seems it would have taken more than that to really explain, an extra few minutes to actually see what happened fully wouldn’t have hurt and made it more exciting.

However because I have rambled a fair bit on the film I must point out that the film was alright to watch, and I didn’t fall asleep like I did when watching the Lord of the Rings (only the first one, I still have not watched the rest for fear of killing the local population) which means that while being in the same type of genre as the aforementioned sleeping pill, it did get me wondering what happens in the next one.

But I think I actually have to read the books first. And then maybe find out about the main plot of the other worlds which got sidetracked in this film, but sounds like a bloody good story. So come on, bring it on, I’m ready.

(All pictures are © New Line Cinema but I just nicked them for use here.)