Sorry about the fact that I’m about to bore you all something technical and perhaps other things that make all geeks shake their various limbs with anger, but regretfully I feel it’s something to moan about. Don’t worry campers, I’m pretty sure that something in the real world will annoy and then I can write endless pointless amounts of crap about that and then proceed to lie down, only waiting to get up for the lady friend who feels a bit “antsy” ?

You see, I have been so far looking at different ADSL providers here in Broken Britain, to save a bit of money of the lovely broadband that fuels my ever growing writing tantrums and porn viewing in order to then waste it, drinking the expensive petrol that we now all find ourselves paying for.

My requirements you think are simple.

But people who know me, also know I am not simple. In fact I’m rather a complex little pirate sailing the technical high seas looking for treasure to plunder, but enough of my nights out, let’s move on.

What I need is this:

• A Fast Broadband Connection of 8MB or higher would be nice
• Download limits of 50GB + as I use around 45GB per month (Those illegal sex videos are only good in HD)

I don’t extra hardware as I already now have 3 DSL routers sitting around and only one of them is in use, so I’m not arsed in getting another white bookend, because that’s about as much as I could do with it, no really way of selling it, simply because the likes of AOL give them away like they are infected with a disease that not even Dr. House could cure.

So I start looking around the glorious t’internet giving my right hand a rest, typing ADSL Providers shows up countless choices, all stating that they cost less per month the needles required to feed your darling drug habit and have more features than the world most advanced Swiss Army Knife turned Ultra Hard House Tank.

But it’s when you start looking around at the nitty gitty (no spelling mistake there I assure you), you then notice that they all slap tiny notices hidden behind the last full stop of the web page that you are subject to a fair use policy. A fair use policy means that the mp3 downloading spunk monkeys are no longer able to take all the bandwidth and normal users who frankly in the ISP’s eyes appear to be too frightened to touch the keyboard let alone, thinking that the magic box in the corner of the desk is possessed and they should be phoning for a priest.

But it is the ISP who say what is fair usage, and regretfully you can easily use this allowance up just by having the stream of Virgin Radio at 128k for a day using 1GB in the process. And say you were on one of those ISPs with a 10GB cap, you have ten days of listening then they would think you are doing complete naughty.

Of course the answer then surely is not to sign up for the low cost ones and go for the more expensive ones. Well said, I would say, however using my mighty Lord of Leisure powers, I am about to prove you wrong.

The more expensive ones include a cap just the same, and even for 39.99 for residential 8MB, I would only get a 50GB cap, with it seems no guarantee that I can still do everything I do now. You see gentle readers, some ISPs have taken to doing naughty with their traffic, stopping certain naughty like Bit-Torrent from working.

But regretfully, Bit-torrent has legitimate uses aside from downloading evil images of satin worshippers. World of Warcraft uses the technology for updates, Linux people use it for new distributions, hell some video providers are using it now for online purchases of films.

The worst part of it is, that customer complaints for almost all the ISPs are running a little on the high side for my liking, this mainly stems from having all our call centres re-routed to the dark side of the moon, (or if that’s not available, there’s always India) and then we shout endlessly down the phone while we have magically signed up for 17 billion other options.

So as it stands it seems looking around all the websites have left me with one very bad conclusion. Stay with the one I’ve got. And the fact is they don’t even do the package I’m on any more, for the same money I pay now, you get half the allowance, and then you have to pay more.

Quite Clearly, if you want no fear of no restrictions, the ISPs of this nation leave far too much to be desired, and clearly we need the word “Unrestricted” removing from all the adverts as soon as possible. Unrestricted means unrestricted. That shouldn’t include conditions in my book.