Last night I witnessed something I swear I will only see the likes of again on Children’s TV. We all that type of programming, where the ideal world is full of happiness and mothers bake all sorts of treats for the kids as they bound home from school ready to do their homework and then sweep the chimneys. They would carry on singing sweet songs and the parents would be so proud of them. Only for Japanese money spinning cartoons to come crashing through, ruining the dream. PIKACHOO TO THAT!

It’s that kind of make-belief that you think couldn’t possibly happen in the real world as we all up our own arses that much that even attempt to cook things by ourselves without the aid of a microwave seems too much. After all, anything that takes longer than 3 seconds to prepare has no room in our modern day lifestyles. Buy, Sell, Merge and Moan, these are all staples of our times.

But before we all descend back into the brightly lit welcoming bosom of the coal pits, I want to take this opportunity to basically dispel this myth.

There are indeed noble champions out there, somehow bringing back the fact that if you put in some effort with things, you can get a lot out of it back. Harking back to the days where people cared enough to pretend that father Christmas, no bloody Santa Claus here, we’re British, actually exists, and go as far as creating a grotto in the front room, complete with malfunctioning reindeer that will catch fire the moment anyone looks at it.

I present to you: Miss Laura Wagstaffe.

Last night, she showed what it takes to put on a theme party. From the minute you walked through the flat door, you knew you were in for something different. For a start there was a mere 78,000 pairs of shoes at the door but only 77,973 of those were hers. And she was dressed as a witch with full make-up and her that, well still failed to make her look less scary than my sister, but that was beside the point.

Up the stairs we go to find epileptic inducing lighting and a ghost on stings going up and down making various noises. There were body parts lying around the room, a witch having a seizure from a light fixture, various things hanging on the wall with web everywhere and all the way around there was something to remind you of evil times. Having a copy of White Chicks on DVD, no detail of evil was left to chance.

The superb food was served on Halloween plates and even then, it was all themed around Halloween. You had a choice of fingers, spiders, bats and even Pumpkin Soup. Truly there was effort and then there was effort.

Which left me feeling underdressed and ashamed which doesn’t happen that often considering the type of crap I tend to get away with, but I genuinely felt that I should have made as much effort to come as something scary, though granted in some circles, my sheer presence alone is enough to strike fear into the hearts of men and women, and my ragged appearance reminds some people of Sloth from the Goonies, but alas it is a cop-out and I feel sad.

Nevertheless, I will know for next time!!

Others were there too, all again enjoying the splendor of the time, Steve and Kristi came, also in fancy dress (adding to the disgrace we non-dressed up people were feeling) and well… not entirely sure what Steve came as except he did say as a Goth, where Kristi came as Mortica from the Addams Family.

Another there was Chez, the woman who had her birthday party a few weeks ago and which of course did feature on this very blog with things that went on, and frankly it was amazing how little she remembered. Charming as always, she was annoyed when I never posed for a picture properly, even choosing to point my ass to the camera for one such opportunity.

Conversation was varied and well, stupid because of my part. It appears another one of my failings reared its ugly head. I try to impress too much, where I had no reason to do so, and also tried to be funny when clearly I only succeeded half the time, and I’m only 10% sure of that.

And I’m pretty sure I kept trying to turn it all back to talk about me. I again know that on a blog about me, it’s going to happen but I just have this nagging feeling that I did do exactly that.

Though there was a guy there who was a manager at a conveyer belt plant who was about tell us all about his job and I cut him off mid sentence with something which sounded funny at the time, (think it was “Ah, no-one cares what you do, tell us about you” or something like that) it got some laughs but well it was cruel. Didn’t get much from him afterwards, and he ran away shortly afterward.

But there were some revelations, Steve suggested for my weight getting some gym equipment at home therefore there is 100% no excuse for not using it, and cardio stuff is long term, to get results quickly you stretch the old muscles. I chatted about that film from Estonia. The one thing that we did get to was; it appears my lack of Estonian historical knowledge was the reason why I didn’t get the funny side.

And very bizarre, I carried on having cups of tea out and about being sociable having been prompted by Chez about it. Must be getting old. But I must leave it there for now campers, as I feel the need to pump various amounts of metal in the vain attempt to make myself feel better.